Wednesday, August 11, 2010

How to reserve your own spot in hell

I've been accused of having a sick sense of humour. I plead guilty. Roughly six-hundred and seventy-three times a day I think or say things that initially make me giggle, then consecutively make me realize what an awful, horrible person I am and that if there is a Hell, I've probably got my own personal space reserved, complete with velvet rope and disco ball.

There are a small handful of friends who only serve to aggravate this predilection for completely inappropriate humour. You know who you are.

Some of the completely inappropriate things I joke about regularly:
  • Smack Abuse - this is a bad one, if only because beyond numerous viewings of Trainspotting, I really have had no exposure to the horrors of heroin addiction.
  • Beating small children - before people freak out, my kids find this more amusing than ANYONE so that's gotta tell you something.

  • Non-violent, yet arguably non-consensual sex, especially involving alchohol and narcotics

  • Punching people in the face

  • The fear that my eldest child will choose 'exotic dancer' as a career path (In my defense, I don't joke about this in her presence.. I don't want her getting any ideas.)

I guess I'm just not a good person.


  1. That's the great (or most tragic) part about the interwebs: Finding people that are of like-mind as yourself. Yes, we're wrong, but do we care? I would hope not.

    Oh, and I prefer throat punching to face punching, and beating anyone (not just small children) with a stick, because beating anyone with a stick just sounds like fun.

  2. I've always enjoy the visual of beating someone with their very own limbs that i have personally torn from their body.

  3. I was recently left in charge of 4 and a half year old son of a friend of mine for two minutes while the father went to take a leak. For the amusement of others, I told the kid to go cut me a switch at least as thick as his thumb so I could beat him with it.

    Also, regarding the stripper thing, Chris Rock put it best.

  4. One day when my then three year old and I were grocery shopping, I picked up a pound of butter and made like I was going to crush her skull with it. She thought it was hilarious.. the guy stocking the freezer, well he looked like he was going to crap his pants.


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