Thursday, November 30, 2006

One small ray of light.


Apparently my prof did email me, I never got it, but I spoke with him just now and he's giving me until Monday.

Mother of Gawd, I want to be done NOW. NOW. But at least I know I can get it done by monday, and I won't have to scrap the class. Woot.

I can't take this stress, I'm so exhausted... I've burst into tears no less than three times today. Gawd, Gawd, Gawd. In the home stretch now, and this takes a teeny bit of pressure off.
I'm off to finish this shite so I can finally rest.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

My imagination's having puppies.

Give me back my brain dammit. Hell give me back my life. I don't want to think about Marx and Conflict theory, or Durkheim and structural functionalism... all this shit has pushed useful concepts out my brain.. I tried to discussion a weekend visitation change up with the boy and I couldn't grasp the concept of This weekend and Next weekend.

I can't live off four hours sleep. I had to beg and plead at my brain today to function.

I got caught doing 75 in a 50 today. The cop let me off, thank god. The look of sheer embarassment and utter exhaustion maybe made him feel sorry for me.

Anas won't return my email asking for an extension. This shits due tomorrow. I'm freaking.

I need sleep. So. badly.

I just want to hang out with my kids -- who are starting to feel the stress -- and do xmassy stuff and watch movies and read books that arent' about how fucked up our world is.

I want to look into the mirror and not see the dark circles and stress rash and not see the mess piling up around me.

I don't want to think anymore. I don't want to write anymore. I don't want to breathe eat and sleep sociology. ANYMORE. Let this semester end soon. SOON.

On a side note, I took tierney to the book fair today and bought the girls Ramona the Pest. I can't wait to read it to them. The illustrations on the new editions remind so much of Reagan it's too cute for words.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Urg. Just Urg.

I hate Fucking Drama.

I hate fucking group projects.

I'm too damn old for this SHITE.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Come on, wednesday. Then I can put all this idiocy behind me.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

We're all living for the weekend

Well this was a fun weekend, that's for sure. Well worth putting off all the work I have to do :-)

I picked up Sammi and Eric in Barrie on friday after working my arse off on the group project that's due on Tuesday. That's done, now all's left is to present. Although shite is gonna hit the fan, if our ousted group member (just one, we let the other one back in, because as it turns out, he did have all his shit together) shows up. Gah, I hate drama.

So we drove up here, dropped our stuff off at my place and headed out to the Harbour legion for Karaoke. It was freakin dead so it allowed me a chance to break out some stuff that's a little more edgy than the usual Legion fare. My voice has been effed up so I stuck with more fun stuff than anything really challenging... If I recall, I did:

REM - Imitation of Life
Dead Milkmen - Punk Rock Girl (which was friggin fun)
Everlast - Black Jesus
Ramones - I wanna be Sedated

There's one more, but I can't remember. Sammi and Eric got up and did some stuff too, they seemed to have a pretty good time.

After the Legion closed, we hit last call at Shananas, it was pretty busy there.

Saturday, spent the morning watching Clone High on DVD ("Helping people out is what John Stamos is all About!") then went out for lunch/dinner at the kings buffet.

Went grocery shopping, where sammi got beat by a mechanical santa then Sammi and I went off to a Passion Party hosted by my friend Lori (aka the little witch), which was a friggin riot, and I bought fun 'me-time' toys, including one that hooks up to an MP3 player and works in time to the music. MICHAEL STIPE!! MICHAEL STIPE!! hahahaahhhaaa (inside Joke). It was friggin crazy fun, so I'm hoping to host one myself in the next couple months. I have a lot of pervy friends who would enjoy this :-)

Afterwards we came back, and Nic and Dan come over and Sammi had hid a dirty note in Dans room, which upon being found resulted in a whole lot of homoerotic fun, and hilarity ensued. Watched a bunch of youtube, and Nic brought over copys of his new CD. Good times. Eventually ended up watching some kids in the hall, about 5 episodes from the first season. Good times.

So today I drove them back home, we went to Erics (with the kiddies in tow) to look at some pics from a fashion show, then Sammi and I and the girls went to McRaunchies for dinner then drove home. Tierney and reagan told me stories for bedtime for a change, complete with shadow puppets. They're bloody cute those two are.

So tired, and I have a big paper due, so it's gonna be a stressful week, but after that I only have exams to worry about until january. Huzzah.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

a train a train a train a train... would you, could you?

No time to blog lately... been crazed with work. Okay, that's not entirely true. I've posted a few on the Mog Which is a fun little music site which I was recently introduced to. They are but short, music related blurbs. Random here and there thoughts.

Otherwise, I am again ass-deep in deadlines. Drama is about to ensue with a group project I am working on, as those of us who have been contributing have decided to put our collective foot down. The shite is gonna hit the fan real soon. I also have a ten page essay due next Thursday -- a comparative essay on two major social theorists. I woke up from a nightmare that it was due today. Scary. Although due in a week is pretty scary too.

I'm Having company this weekend! Sammi and Eric are gonna come up and hang out with me this weekend, I'm really excited. Legion karaoke, and kids in the hall and beers and for a little while on Saturday Sammi and I are gonna ditch Eric (Don't look at me like that, he's had forewarning of this ditching -- it couldn't be helped) and go to a sex toy party at Lori's! Yay! I've never been to one, should be fun. I cleaned the house from top to bottom yesterday and clean ALL the sheets and blankets to ensure that the last stragglers of tierney and reagans little 'Friends' were completely and totally obliterated. HAHA! DIE FUCKERS! So, sammi, if you're reading this, fear not. it was more a safety precaution anyway.

Still dealing with the occasional wave of loneliness, but it's okay. I guess it hits me more than usual lately because I'm not distracted by the fun of seeking out prospects. In total frankness, I don't know if I could sustain a relationship at this point in my life anyway. It's just that it's been so looong.

I get this way around Christmas and new years, just cause it brings back some not so nice memories. January marks four years. It'll pass. The wedding anniversary passed this year without notice. Good for me.

Friday, November 17, 2006

It's neither this or that, actually it's a collection of things...

Two hour lecture in Modern Soc Theory about the 'three faces of cruelty' (being ferocity, callousness and acetiscism) follow by a forty minute film on the history of punishment. Yay. Someone slit my wrists for me, please.

More cases of mistaken identity. Apparently cute guys DO just smile and say hi to me for no reason. Thought he was one of Sammi's friends from her going away party. Turned out to be a random guy from the library who 'stole' a chair from me last week. Seem nice enough, I introduced myself after explaining my mix-up.

One out of my last three assignments complete, a three-pager (yay for the short ones) in response to a study on polyamoury. Toyed with the idea that the assumption of monogamy just sets some couples up for failure. This was for Sex roles. Will hand in tomorrow morning, not-so-bright and early.

Finally free of Magical Trevor. For the time being.

Transcribed the lyrics to The Headstones 'Nickels for your Nightmares'. That song is truly a testament to Hugh Dillon's smack addiction.

Ignored on the MSN by one who shall remain nameless. Think I'm gonna take the hint.

Me go sleepy sleepy now.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

filibuster vigilantly

I've had This Shit in my head for the past two days straight now.

Curse you Magical Trevor.


I must be getting old. Was looking at CD's to buy and I only recognized THREE songs on this years Big Shiny Tunes compilation.


School related stress. This shit better be worth it in the end. Anyone know anything about Symbolic Interactionism?

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

A Penchant for the Problematic

It was a bad day to be a guy in Thinking Sociologically today. 4 presentations, 3 of them on Gender Inequality. If I was one of the guys in my class today, I might have wanted to go home and shoot myself. I dont' know sometimes how the guys can get through these classes without feeling horrible just for being male.

It makes me understand why some people fucking hate feminism. Unfortunately, what opponents of feminism and radical feminists -- as well as some of those who are new to it and don't really 'get' it yet -- The purpose of feminism is not to attack men. It is to critique and attempt to make change to a system that favours one sex over the other.

What is not realized, is that men are just as much a pawn of this form of socialization as women are. Difference being, for a long time, men have reaped the benefits. Men are only doing what is natural, what anyone in a position of power does -- trying not to lose that power. Anyone who is in a position in any heirarchial structure is gonna try to maintain, if not the position itself, at the very least, the benefits that come with it. Women would do the same thing. Don't think so? Try asking a group of women if -- should modern technology allow -- men should be allowed to carry babies, and quite a few will jump on that being 'our only source of power' and vehemently deny that right to men. Oh yeah, I saw it.

But still, the focus remains on how hard done by we are. In many ways buying into what many have attempted to fight.

One of the points that was made today in a presentation concerned the media. One group did a comparison of how sexualized women had to become in order to be sucessful in music. Case in point, Britney Spears. and to a lesser extent, Christina Aguilera, as well as women who act as back-up dancers in videos such as this one:

Buck Cherry - Crazy Bitch you might not want to have kids in the room.

One of the girls in my class pointed out that the girls in this video were using their sexuality to make money, and that it was their choice to do so, thus were they not empowered to a certain extent?

The answer given to this question bothered me. The response was something to the effect of 'Well, she should be able to get a high-paying job that DOESN'T involve selling her body". This response presented me with a quandary. Part of the sexual revolution/women's lib movement of the 60s and 70's was presenting the idea that women were sexual beings in their own right, not as just as vessels for male pleasure.

So why are we still saddled with the ideal that 'good girls don't?' We look down on sexual expression for profit. Some may say it's exploitation, but is it exploitation when said person stands to profit and is aware of what they are doing?

Where is the line drawn between expression and exploitation? Why is it when Britney Spears gets half-naked in a video it's smutty and an affront to women, but if Sarah McLachlan does it, it's artistic expression? The issue of McLachlan being a superior musical talent notwithstanding.

One could argue that in Spears' case her exposure is for the sake of the male gaze, in order to titillate. But this is only a negative because society has moralized against the use of sexuality as an assertion of power. We, for some reason are only allowed to use our intellect, or physical strength to get ahead. We can use our sexuality to attract a mate, but if someone stands to make monetary gains then some invisible moral boundary has been crossed and that person is to be reviled.

Bah. I ramble. Oh yeah, the mr. Lee sight is a spoof. They can't get really make a man pregnant. Yet.

Edit: Posted video then realized I had the wrong version posted. I had originally posted the censored version.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Remember, that we don't repeat our mistakes of the past

Today is remembrance day, a day to pay respect to our veterans of the wars of old. Unfortunately, many use this as a time to also justify taking in battle of ethnocentricities and 'we're better than them' mentalities frightfully similar to the regime so many fought a mere sixtyish years ago

Despite this co-opting of such a solemn day for hegemonic purposes, I still carry my poppy with me, for those who had the courage of their convictions to fight ALL genocidal regimes, not just those who are profitable to oust. As opposed to the paper poppies, I have a special keychain I purchased at the War Museum which is with me at all times. If you ever have a chance to go, I suggest it. It's a moving experience.

I carry it for the thousands, I carry it for my Uncle Jack Lemon who died in battle, I carry it for my Uncle Keith Lemon, who although he wasn't killed, was still lost to the war inside himself. I carry it for my Great-Granpa Earl Lemon who took part in both world wars.

I also carry it for the men who risked their lives (many unwillingly) in Vietnam, only to be spit on by the masses upon their return.

Although I disagree with this so-called 'War on Terrorism' -- or as I prefer to call it "War on the Other" -- I hold respect for those who choose to fight, for they have the courage of their convictions, even if those convictions disagree with my own. I hold no respect for the Administration behind them, however.

That's my political moment for the day.

Well, how do you do, Private William McBride, 
Do you mind if I sit down here by your graveside? 
And rest for awhile in the warm summer sun, 
I've been walking all day, and I'm nearly done. 
And I see by your gravestone you were only 19 
When you joined the glorious fallen in 1916, 
Well, I hope you died quick and I hope you died clean 
Or, Willie McBride, was it slow and obscene? 

Did they Beat the drum slowly, did the play the pipes lowly? 
Did the rifles fir o'er you as they lowered you down? 
Did the bugles sound The Last Post in chorus? 
Did the pipes play the Flowers of the Forest? 

And did you leave a wife or a sweetheart behind 
In some loyal heart is your memory enshrined? 
And, though you died back in 1916, 
To that loyal heart are you forever 19? 
Or are you a stranger without even a name, 
Forever enshrined behind some glass pane, 
In an old photograph, torn and tattered and stained, 
And fading to yellow in a brown leather frame? 

The sun's shining down on these green fields of France; 
The warm wind blows gently, and the red poppies dance. 
The trenches have vanished long under the plow; 
No gas and no barbed wire, no guns firing now. 
But here in this graveyard that's still No Man's Land 
The countless white crosses in mute witness stand 
To man's blind indifference to his fellow man. 
And a whole generation who were butchered and damned. 

And I can't help but wonder, no Willie McBride, 
Do all those who lie here know why they died? 
Did you really believe them when they told you "The Cause?" 
Did you really believe that this war would end wars? 
Well the suffering, the sorrow, the glory, the shame 
The killing, the dying, it was all done in vain, 
For Willie McBride, it all happened again, 
And again, and again, and again, and again.

Wine labels and shadows from the past

Discovered something yesterday... never read wine labels, they make you do crazy things. I picked up a nice Cabernet Sauvignon from Australia (I'm becoming a wino!) yesterday and read the label, which read 'serve with a nice red peppercorn steak.

My stomach screamed "OHHHHH STEAK!" I don't even eat steak, but I was compelled to go out and purchase one to eat last night. Oh man. Was it ever worth it. Went really well with the wine. They were sooooo right.

Had a visitor from my past life last night (Past life = pre-separation) come by out of the blue, a friend of my ex nephew in law who used to hang out at the boy and my place a lot before we started having babies and stuff. It was an interesting, if slightly uncomfortable visit. It's weird, sometimes I look back at that time in my life (especially before the babies) and it's like I am a thousand light years away, or like i moved away for ten years then came back.

Had a talk with the boy today after I dropped the girls off this morning, and I've come to the conclusion that I may have finally forgiven him. I really just wish the best for him and the GF. I'm not angry at him for leaving anymore, because things are better for all involved now than they could have been had we stayed together. There were some rocky times, that's for sure. But having come to a place in my life where I am settled in my own groove, and he is settled in his, I'm really quite happy with my life, and in some weird way, I have him to thank for it.

If he hadn't of left, I may have never had that push to go and get my schooling, and learn the things i have learned or met all the wonderful people I have met, both online and off.

Sure, I get lonely from time to time. But I have to wonder if occasional loneliness is a small price to pay when I have so much else going for me now. The lonliness will pass, too. Like I said, I have many fantastic friends, who are always there when the late-night quiet gets to be so much. I have my beautiful little girls, who are healthy and happy. I have goals and a roof over my head and my health (most of the time!)

Someone is out there, I'm not so jaded that I've lost all hope. And when that person comes along, that's just gonna be gravy on the feast of my life.