Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Stink. Stank. Stunk.

Ugh.. With the holiday season approaching rapidly, I'm finding I have little to no spirit for it this year.

I wish I had some good excuse for disliking this holiday, such as a wholly dysfunctional family and such that fights all the time so I spend my christmas merely putting up with them and praying for it to be over. No, that's not the case at all. Actually, in honesty, I LIKE my family. They're pretty awesome people, and I'm glad to be a part of it.

So why the hell am I so bummed out about it all?

Guilt. That's about the gist of it. The kids, I hate saying no to them. I don't spoil them by any means, and I'm not one to give into their every whim. I just can't stand it when it starts to feel like I have to say 'No' to EVERYTHING because I'm trying to A) keep the bills paid and B) have something for them under the tree for Christmas this year.

I sat down with both the girls (but mostly the oldest because she not only understands better, but also seems to have a greater need) to show them our budget - how much comes in, and how much goes out every month. I don't know if it entirely got through to them, considering the amount left over every month, the amount that marks 'panic-time' for me, seems like a FORTUNE to a kid that gets two dollars a week for an allowance.

I let the 'money' and 'material' issues become too much, I know. And I KNOW that's not what it's all about - I know all the good stuff about family and friends and love and sharing and caring.. but I wish I could bypass all the other crap. Because the guilt and feelings of inadequacy as a provider really really make it friggin difficult to enjoy all the 'good stuff'.

Somebody spike me an egg nog, knock me upside the head with a Yule log and bring me Bing Crosby's head on a platter.


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