A weird side effect of my upcoming surgery is the tendency to snicker at any reference to shit or butts in my day to day language. In fact, just now, when I typed "any" I SWEAR TO GOD that my iPad tried to autocorrect it to "anus".
The well-travelled one made a joke tonight about telling people at work that I was having my "Give-a-Shit" removed and I nearly freaking lost it.
It's funny cause it's true!
I'm glad I can take some of this lightly (stage six: inappropriate humour) at least some of the times. Don't fall under the impression that it's been all good. Some of the bad days, the waking up terrified and angry and full of despair, have fucking sucked. This past Tuesday I wanted to curl up under my duvet and sleep until I woke up and this whole bloody nightmare was over. I could barely function. I sobbed as I attempted to have my morning coffee and when I got to work I stayed in my office and tried to interact with people as little as possible, especially since I am one who cannot remotely hide when I am upset. Generally, if i have been crying it couldn't be more obvious if someone wrote "Holy Fuck Am I Ever Sad!" on my face in black sharpie marker.
Demi Moore with her single tear I am definitely NOT. I cry the ugly cry.
At any rate, Tuesday night, at my nephews 5th birthday dinner, I was able to surround myself with family who respected my wish not to talk about everything beyond a simple update on where we were at, schedule and doctor wise. By the time I got home my mood had lifted somewhat. Since then I've been feeling more optimistic, or at least too busy to dwell.
I'm kind of stoked that my surgeon is a woman, after dealing with a lot of older, male doctors. Don't get me wrong, they've all been doing well by me and are quite competent, but my rah-rah feminist side did a little fist pump when I found out I had a lady surgeon. I was a bit nervous by how young she looked (yes, Google is handy) but I believe that sometimes in medicine, what one lacks in experience can be offset by up-to-date training. Also, you don't generally get to call your self a surgeon if you're just getting off the bus.
My consult yesterday assuaged my fears as she seems like a competent, confident but not cocky, doctor who was very good about answering all my questions while being patient about my inability to answer quite all of hers. Like I can actually keep track of the times I've been hospitalized! Chronology is not my strong suit.
Now I have a party to plan, preparations for the kids while I am in hospital, getting my stuff sorted out at work, and I am hosting karaoke next Friday. So yeah, some time off will be nice.
I'm glad to hear you're having breakdowns. You're dealing with this instead of being in denial. Love you from afar.ReplyDelete