Saturday, April 6, 2013

An open letter to the guy who insulted me as I went for breakfast.

Dear Asshole,

Today I got up and went for breakfast. The man friend was not up for it, so I decided to take a book for company instead. Seeing as it was a lovely, sunny, brisk morning I decided to walk to the restaurant. It seemed like it could shape up to be a decent day.

Thanks and a hearty "Fuck You" for ruining it.

As I was entering the front door of our local dining establishment, you and your probably equally douchey friend were coming out. I guess my appearance caught you eye because you felt compelled to exclaim "Wow! Holy fucking teeth!" at me.

For those who may not have seen pictures, I have prominent front teeth and a bit of an overbite. I know this, because assholes and dentists have insisted on pointing this out to me pretty much since my adult teeth came in. I'm 32 years old. It's nothing I haven't heard before. Doesn't mean it doesn't feel just as shitty now as it did when I was a kid.

So, thanks a lot for reducing me to feeling a goddamned awkward twelve-year-old and making me feel ugly and insecure once what you had said registered.

And then.. And THEN, you had the audacity to look outraged when, realizing that I had just been insulted to my fucking FACE, I turned around and told you to fuck off. Like I was the asshole here.

My apologies to any diners who were within earshot of that, by the way.

Believe me, that was the least you deserved for not keeping your bloody comments to yourself. A full-on public shaming would have been fitting so you could have felt as humiliated as I did at that moment, but unfortunately I'm not verbally eloquent when I'm upset. Hence why I blog.

So fuck you for making me feel like shit about myself when I was just minding my own business, enjoying my Saturday. Fuck you for the fact that I was just a little scared about walking home after breakfast, in case you and your friend decided I needed to be put in my place for speaking up. And fuck you for the good possibility that had the man friend been with me, you probably wouldn't have said shit because I'm pretty sure that's precisely the kind of cowardly piece of excrement you are.

I hope a large piece of frozen airplane toilet water crushes you from a great height.


  1. "I hope a large piece of frozen airplane toilet water crushes you from a great height."

    I love your punch line.....that is one I never thought of.

    Sorry you are still so sensitive about your teeth.....tell 'em, "Grrrr, the better to eat you with".....

  2. *ninja hugs*

    Y'know, this is why people need throat punches and taco kicks.

  3. A short life however is not what you want to wish somebody for being an asshole.
    The longer a life an asshole can have the better, since that sort of behavior tends to eventually push everybody away from them. Living a nice long life alone, has its own justice to it. How great would living to 98 be if its a life devoid of friends, family, or even somebody that would notice your passing besides the paper boy who wondered what the funky smell was as he tossed yet another paper on the two foot high pile of old papers on your porch.

  4. I'm sorry about the asshole. I've had a few "drive-bys" like that in my life and it really sucks. If they didn't think they could make a quick escape I bet they would never open their big mouths. BTW, I think big front teeth are GORGEOUS. I have always been jealous of big teeth. One of the best days of my life was when I realized that my beautiful daughter has two big front teeth. Beautiful.


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