Conversations I never thought I'd ever have.

Counselling a friend:

"If you're going to have a fuck buddy, your husband is probably the worst choice ever.  Think on that."

On Accessorizing:

"'that's a nice eyebrow ring.'  'Thanks, it matches my friend's clit ring'"

Conversation Starters:

"So I have a friend that runs a fetish site..."

Friends don't let friends....

"If I ever find out, be warned, I will bitch slap you." "Okay but you gotta let me put it on the website"

Conversations with my kid - 'Literalism'

Scene: In the car, listening to "Blue Like Nevermind" by Kimya Dawson.

Eyes like almonds I've been told and friends are found when keys are stolen...

Reagan:  That's not really true, you know.
Me:  Sorry, honey.  What's not really true?
Reagan:  You don't really find friends when your keys get stolen.

{pause}

Me:  No, I guess not.

Conversations with my kid - 'Disinformation'

Tierney: Wow mommy, why is it so dark out already?

Me: Because a long time ago, some silly person invented Daylight Savings Time and actually thought it was a good idea.

Tierney:  Who, Jesus?

Me:  Yeah, let's go with that.