WWWednesday - or not.

So you may (because I like to pretend more people care what I write than probably do) have noticed a dearth of WWWednesday posts.  This is because I haven't actually been to weigh in since they changed the program and I'm really struggling with whether I want to go back or not.  I'm afraid of backsliding but I really have a bad taste in my mouth as far as the rampant corporatism goes.  Sigh.

I made banana bread tonight but I think I may have under cooked it.  It's a bit mushy.  I made a pretty cool comic-themed headband which will not be going on the Etsy store - no, this one will be for my own personal use.

jealous?  *nods knowingly* You're jealous.

Taking a cue from Saskatchewan's sexiest blogger, Tyler, I've had this song stuck in my head all day:



Apparently this is the song the Scott Pilgrim books and subsequently the film Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World film was named after. I can't tell if she's saying "I've liked you for a thousand years" or "I've liked you for a dozen years".

A quick Google search tells me it's thousand. This is comforting. I hate to think I've been singing it wrong. all. day. long.

WWWednesday - has been pre-empted

WWWednesday will not be seen this week.  The pinkeye has kept me from the meeting, plus I'm still iffy on this whole PointsPlus thing.  No, I'm annoyed, honestly.

Oh.  And I'm pretty sure I've eaten about a million cookies this week... so it's better that I don't know.

Rough week.

WWWednesday - A corporation is a corporation...

.. is a corporation.

Oh yeah.  Down 1 lb this week.  *slow clap*

I'm feeling disillusioned with the program this week, but on a scale much grander than my usual "This is hard, wahhhhh" type disillusionment.

So Weight Watchers rolled out their new Points Plus program this week.  The difference here is supposed to be where the old Points program assigned foods a points value based on a food's fibre, calories and fat contents, the new system also incorporates protein and carbohydrate contents into the points value.  As a result some foods, such as fruits, go down in value and some go up.

I mean, in theory it makes sense, right?  Sure.

Here's what irks me.  In the four years I've been with this program, I have been witness to no less than four program roll-outs.  I have paid enough money (not even including recipe books and guides) into the program that I could probably bank roll the education of all of Fluorine Mark's children and still had enough for a nice dinner.  Myself, being the el cheapo I am, haven't bothered much with the peripherals of the program.. the measuring spoons, the fancy journals, the walking tapes, the fancy electronic points calculators.. no, aside from the initial food guides the first year I joined and 2-3 recipe books, I pretty much pay my weekly fees and that's it.

Boy sometimes I'm glad to be a tightwad.

Back to the reason for my aggravation.  Basically, this new points system renders all the old books, accessories, trackers, calculators absolutely moot and irrelevant.  And if there is one thing that gets my plus-sized panties in a bunch, it's planned fucking obsolescence.

So those people who did shell out for the fancy calculators, the food guides, and all that fun stuff, have got to do it again.  With the old program, you could get the fancy calculator or you could use the paper sliding graph that was provided with your WW package.  Now because of all the variables involved, they couldn't effectively design a paper slider, so you pretty much HAVE to buy the fancy electronic calculator.  They were marked down from $15 to $5 as a promotion for the opening week.  I bought one, but I was NOT happy about it.

 

An early version of the paper points finder.

Fancy pants electronic calculator.  Yes, I totally stole this pic from Amazon.  That's what the little camera means.

Frankly, the whole thing seems like a money-grab to me, and I said this to the ladies at the meeting today.  Let's change the whole program around, and bring in all new tools and materials.

Let's face it, although it touts itself as a lifestyle, and a support group, it's foolish to forget that above all Weight Watchers is a giant money-making machine, a corporation.  Sure it looks good on paper, in all reality, no matter what your mission statement may be, we know in the corporate world that the real mission is getting as much money out of the little guy (or the bigger gal) as humanly possible.

I've got some thinking to do.

WWWednesday - No big surprises here.

Up 3.5 lbs this week.  Yeah, yeah, I know.  I can explain.

After last week's disappointment and subsquent breakdown, I decided I was going to take a much needed break.  A break from counting points, looking at nutrion labels, measuring stuff etc.  A break from meal planning.  A break from constantly thinking and being aware of every last thing that goes into my mouth.

I basically decided eff it, I'm going to eat what I want, when I want, for one week.  Wine.  Pizza.  McDonalds.  Pop.  Chips.  (there was some healthy stuff too.. I made fajitas one night..  pork chops and veggies another night - really my days weren't too far off, it was more the evenings where I had let loose)

Yeah. This pretty much sums up my week.
It was AWESOME.

Yeah, I basically spent a week polluting myself.  And I'm paying for it.  But I tell ya, a gain after a week like this is a lot easier to take than busting my ass for a week and gaining.   I feel like I've earned this one.  YEah, it's gonna take like three weeks to lose this again, but I REGRET NOTHING.

What this has helped me realize is that this is why I need to stick with my program.  Because if I say screw it and go back to all my old habits, it's not going to be long at all before I'm back up to my old, unhealthy weight.  So I shall struggle on.  

It also made me aware of the changes in my body and appetite.  The night we went to McDonalds, I had a double-cheese burger and a small order of french fries and found myself stuffed to the point where I really was feeling uncomfortable and it occurred to me that where four years ago I'd still be hungry at that point, now I could have probably survived with just the burger.  Same goes with pizza.  I used to be able to eat 4-5 slices of a medium or large pizza and now I'm good, if not too full, after two.

So with these realizations in hand, I'm ready to get back on the program again.  Word has it that next week they're starting a new program and points values are also going to incorporate protein and carbohydrates and the like into the points values, which means a lot of things like fruit are going to have a zero value.  I'm not sure how i feel about it as it seems kind of arbitrary, but I'll give it a shot.

Until next week.. (okay, well obviously I'm going to post in between, but you know what i mean)

WWWednesday - Two Steps Forward, One soul-killing step back.

Up 1.5 lbs this week.

I am frustrated.  Seriously.  I tracked up until Monday night, then lost track.  Thinking over what I actually ate between Monday and Today though, I don't think I was way too off.

Frankly, I'm frustrated as all hell with this "journey" right now.  I hate the fact that if I even go a little bit off, I seem to lose progress.

I'm sick to death of having to be aware of what I'm eating and why I'm eating.  It's a pain in the ass having to stop and ask myself  "Am I hungry, or just bored or just stressed out?"  I hate writing shit down.  I hate counting points.  I hate measuring stuff.  I hate nutrition labels.  Seriously, I fucking hate it. I hate having to be hyper-aware of every goddamned morsel that goes in my mouth. This kind of crap is how eating disorders get started.

I've been at this for almost four years now.  This last 20 is friggin' killing me.  I can't handle one more person telling me that muscle weighs more than fat.  Big effin' deal.  Muscle means I'm still plunking down 60 bucks a month to stay in this bloody program.  But I've tried following it on my own before, and I need that accountability.  If no one else is paying attention, then neither will I.  Sounds shallow, I know, but it's a support thing too.

The ladies at the meeting have even suggesting because I've been on this fucking desolate tundra of a plateau for so long now that I get a note from my doctor so I can set a goal weight outside of the 'normal' range for my height.  But you know what?  I set a goal (and a reasonable one) and I intend to stick to it.  To suddenly knock 15 or 20 lbs off my ultimate goal seems like a cop-out.   Basically, if I do that, I'm going to know that I didn't do what I set out to do, and I'll feel like a con.  *sigh*  And by knowing secretly that I did cop out, then I lose the motivation to maintain what progress I did make.  I'm so close.  At this point it's not even about the scale, or my ass, or a number.. It's that I set a goal, a reasonable one, even, and I'm going to fucking DO IT.  Not backing down.

I know, and am fully aware of all the benefits that I've gained from coming this far.  I'm med-free, I'm in the best shape I've been in years (if not ever).  I'm starting to feel really good about myself (although I see myself still as an overweight woman.. funny how body dysmorphia screws with you) and I know I'm making good choices.  I know I've come a long way.  And it's one thing when I know I've not been keeping to the plan as well as I can.. if I skip tracking for a week, or don't excercise then I know it's nobody's fault buy my own whne i don't make progress.  It's just fucking irritating as hell when I bust my ass, but then slip a bit and end up paying for it.

One of the things I liked about this program was the idea that yes, once in a while you can indulge yourself.. but it feels like when I do that, then I lose progress.  And I don't mean indulging by taking a day where I totally pig out.. I mean I might have a donut and a beer or something and then it shows up. THAT'S ANNOYING.  I don't even dip into the allowance points when I'm tracking because it seems to show up and impede my progress.

Those of you with naturally good eating habits, active lifestyles and good metabolism, be thankful for these things.. because feeling like you have to police yourself is such a pain in the ass. 

*anyone who might be overly concerned reading this, I'm just venting here just so you know*

WWWednesday - Short but happy

Down Three freakin' pounds this week.  W00t.
Tracked my intake all week this week.  Every Single Day.  Double W00t.
Two weeks of PROGRESS in a row.  Triple W00t.
Broke the 60 lb mark (again).  well.. you know the drill by now.  W00t.

A friend that I usually run into on Wednesdays after the meeting (as it co-incides with lunchtime) commented that I looked good and asked when I was going to take up modelling.  Hahah.  Putting aside that this was plainly an attempt at flattery (not unappreciated!) and not a serious inquiry.. well, even if I was qualified, why would I spend all this time trying to build up my confidence to enter an industry that would likely destroy every last shred I possess.

Still, it was a nice thing to say.

WWWednesday - Avert your eyes boys, we're talking lady stuff.

Let that be a warning to you.. veiled references to icky lady stuff ahead.

So, down 1.5 lbs this week, so yay for that.  I feel like that's fair for the amount of effort I put in this week.  I managed to track up until Saturday morning before I kind of fell apart and stopped writing.  No, wait, friday night.  The post-bar snacky-time got to me.  The liquid points 'tweren't too bad.. one beer at the Legion, then later one beer at Bleachers.  In all though, I think I only went a little over this weekend.  So yay me.

I think part of my issue last week may have been horomonal... It sucks, near the end of my cycle (and I'm sure others can relate to this) I put on about 2-3 lbs regardless of my weight-loss efforts, which tend to be hampered by that general sense of lethargy/frustration/outandoutbitchyIDON'TWANNAness that comes with PMS.

And I get ravenously hungry.  All. The. Frickin' Time.  I'm not talking emotional/bored hungry.  Like, I mean I've just had breakfast, and while driving to work my stomach starts growling.. so I drink a bunch of water and have a banana or something mid-morning.  Then by Noon I'm STARVING all the while going "What the effin' eff?? I've eaten twice already!!"

By three o clock I'm irritable as all hell.. have a sensible snack, like some fruit, or a yogurt, all the while craving something battered, fried, greasy, with lots of cheese and.. oh hell.. chocolate and a giant Mocha-frappo-dappo-choco-cino to wash it down with.. and beer too.

Did I mention I work right above a Tim Hortons?  And that their Cherry Cheese Danishes are freaking amazing?  Yeah.  I'm almost glad they're not letting vets sell poppies, because it gives me one additional reason not to go down there and further sabotage myself.

But long story short, all this premenstrual BS (the guys who have been brave enough to read this far are cringing now... MENSESMENSESMENSES!!! PEEEERIODDDDD!!!  Here guys, here's a video to distract you.  You may just learn something..) leads up to a whole lot of frustration.  Two Steps forward, one step back, and so forth.

So here's a couple of small steps I made this week:

• Bought whole wheat bread.
• Did some pushups and curls at home, completely of my own volition
• Added cucumbers and substituted wheat bread to my regular 6" Roast beef sub

Oh, here's something disturbing I found today while trying to calculate my points for said sub:  My Roast Beef Sub with lite Mayo and cheddar cheese works out to about 8 points on the weight watchers plan (by the way, here's a good link for people who are trying to follow the plan but may not have all the tools - it's got the points calculator, and a chart for tabulating what your point allowance should be based on your weight and height.  Mind you, it doesn't take into account your job, or gender or age.) Curious, I checked out my other favorite Subway sub, the Pizza sub.  11 freakin' points! Not even including the extra cheese i usually get, and the fancy bread (Italian herb and cheese).

That Roast Beef sammich is sounding a whole lot better.

WWWednesday. Frustration and Halloween Candy.

Up 2 lbs this week.  Frustrated beyond belief.  Trying not to beat myself up over it.. but I know what the problem was.. I let the kids bring half their Halloween candy alone, and dammit, I just can't keep out of it.  So tomorrow it's going to their dad's whether they like it or not (not that the kids will complain, they're at his place this weekend anyway.)

I've got a short list of things I need to do to step up my game, some I've been attempting, such as tracking (which I lasted all of two and a half days last week.. ugh)

•  Switch to whole wheat, in regards to bread and pasta. More filling, and since I generally find it kind of gross, there will be less desire to have toast and such for snacks.
• Meal planning.. throwing something together at the last minute really throws me off.  Mondays and Wednesdays are tough for this since I never really know if I'm feeding the kids or if their father will feed them.
• Work out at home, outside of kickboxing and my afternoon walks.  I'm going to start trying to take 20 minutes a night just to go through some curls, push-ups (because holy crap, I can DO those now!!), squats, Jumping jacks etc.
• Fackin' TRACK.  Write that shit DOWN. 
• Keep my damn hands busy.  Pick up my guitar, or paintbrushes, or whatever when I get bored-hungry.  Hell, I could even clean my house.  Now THERE'S an idea. 

I've been writing my stuff down today although it's been a wholly depressing experience.  I'm glad I have class tonight, as it will help alleviate the groggy bloaty feeling I'm having now.  I need to clean out my cupboards at home too.. when I get my next pay (or hell, even before) I'm going to try and do a mass cooking weekend so I can make a shit load of stuff that can be frozen and such for future meals, so I can avoid the pizza/takeout/Kraft Dinner trap.

I'm frustrated.  And I could easily eat a couple of bowls of cinnamon toast crunch right now, as it's possibly my favorite cereal ever.   I bought the family size box so I could order the free T-shirt.  Now we each get one.

WWWednesday - In Sickness and In Health plus "Thwarted"

Weighed in today, down 3.5 lbs, which was pretty encouraging, however I think some of this could be sick-loss, as I've been feeling pretty craptacular this week.

I tracked for the first three days this week, Wednesday, Thursday and part of friday.  Even though I didn't track all of Friday I think I still managed to stay within my point limit.  Tracking for the rest of the week fell apart but obviously it wasn't a total loss. 

Saturday I walked for nearly three hours during the Zombie walk.  Sammi's mom had taken us out for lunch at a Sushi restaurant.  I ate until I was satisfied.  The platter we got was mostly sashimi (I think) so once all the rolls were gone, there wasn't much I was tempted to pick at.  We hit a McD's after the Zombie walk, and I ordered a burger.  It's pretty amazing to think that a few years ago I'd still be hungry after a combo, and now I'm good with a double burger and a coffee.  Crazy.

Sunday we went for Lunch at the Rainforest Cafe.  I was still feeling shitty (the cold I've been bitching about this week).  I had ordered A triple decker grilled cheese with fries, and I guess this could have proved disastrous, but I ended up having maybe half the fries, and half the sandwich.  The second half of the sandwich ended up going home and becoming my dinner.

The next couple of days I was on my ass with this cold, so I was basically subsisting on toast and soup, and more toast.  I loves me some toast.  I bought this friggin' "Just Peanuts" peanut butter a while ago, and all I have to say is Peanut butter just ain't peanut butter without a crap-ton of hydrogenated palm oil and other chemicals.  Just peanut Peanut butter seems oddly unnatural. 

In light of today's good fortune, I'm taking another crack at tracking this week.  Of course with Halloween coming up, that's gonna be a challenge.  One joy of being a single parent is that by taking my kids out, I don't have to shell out. Because I don't have to shell out, I don't have to buy candy.  So that's one obstacle out.  Because the ex-hubster is in the picture, parentally-speaking, I may be able to send the girl's halloween haul to HIS house (although their stepmom, having similar weight-loss goals, may object!), but at any rate, that potentially gets rid of another road-block.  I also have a party to attend, but if I decide to come home, I'll be DD-ing, which means my 'liquid points' will be minimal.

Ugh.  Speaking of road-blocks, I got bag-blocked this week.  No, it's not as dirty as it sounds.  Since July, my exercise regimen (although I use regimen loosely.. ) has included twice-weekly one-hour kick-boxing classes.  I was surprised at how enthusiastically I've taken to this sport, and within weeks I was making plans to clean out my shed (partly done) and install a punching bag.  Uncle Bucks had one in their front window, originally priced at $80.  With my summer bonus, I hemmed and hawed and ended up buying a bike instead, since at that point the shed was still a disaster, and I didn't even own gloves.

Some time went by and I decided when the next quarter's bonus came in I was definitely going to do it.  I went in last week and inquired about the weight and confirmed the price.  I had seen others on Kajiji for around $50 so my plan was to haggle with them, as it had been in the window for quite some time.  They told me it had been marked down to $45.

So a day or two later got the cash out of the bank and after work I ran, panting into the store as the young guy I'd spoken to previously was putting the second-hand bikes back inside the store in preparation for closing time and declared "I've come for the bag!"  to which he informs me that he just sold it earlier that day.

"ARE YOU FRIGGIN' KIDDING ME?" I yelled in the middle of the street.  Yes'm right there on the sidewalk.  Damn thing had been in the front window for no less than three months, and someone buys it out from under me the day I finally decide to suck it up and shell out the cash. This is what I get for being cheap.

So back to Kajiji I go, while I can still kind of afford it.  Barring that, there's always Christmas.  *wink, nudge*

WWWednesday - getting back on the wwwagon.

No, I'm not stuttering. The extra W's in wagon stand for Weight Watchers.

I weighed in at 175 this week, after not going to the meeting last week due to lack of funds. I'm not happy about this, and it's high time I kick my ass into gear again.

I started Weight Watchers in April of 2007 at my all-time high of 232 lbs. My legs hurt a lot, I had gastrointestinal issues, and I generally felt like shit, both emotionally and physically. I've generally been struggling with weight since I was a child but unlike a lot of women (and men) I've also been fiercely anti-diet. I've always kind of known that dieting doesn't work. I've known for years that what I needed to do is improve my eating habits. But I've always been a ridiculousy picky eater.

I don't mean to say I have some kind of sophisticated palate. No, I was, and in some ways still am, picky like a five year old.

As such, I've never really known how to make myself eat healthy. As a smoker with myriad health issues and a fundamental lack of co-ordination, the excercise portion of diet-and-excercise kind of eluded me as well.

But no less, something had to be done. Like I said, I was in craptacular health and I found myself becoming afraid that I was not going to see my children grow up. As I voiced these concerns to my mother, she finally said to me 'If it's a money thing, I will pay for you to do. You have to do SOMETHING." She was right. I signed up the next week, although I never ended up taking her up on her offer to pay for the membership.  All issues regarding body image and idealized beauty and such aside, I knew there was no effin' plane of existence where 232 lbs on a 5'5" frame could possibly be healthy.

So that was April 2007. It around that time that I also decided to quit smoking. In the beginning, I used a very simple method to keep myself accountable without shouting to the world "HEY! I'M LOSING WEIGHT AND QUITTING SMOKING! HOLY SHIT!" I kept two numbers in my MSN status line.. the first number was the number of smoke free days and the second number was pounds lost. Occasionally someone would ask "Hey, what's the deal with the numbers??" and I'd tell them of my decision to improve my health habits. Generally I'd be met with support. I liked it because I'm generally not comfortable with tooting my own horn (or if i do, it's usually in an over-the-top, ironically self-deprecating manner) so this allowed me to have some support without feeling the pressure of having EVERYONE know.

I think I need to make myself accountable to others for a while again if I'm going to make to my goal finally and not hit a back-slide into old habits. I think I'm going to post my progress on wednesdays, and while I'm there I can share some stories of the challenges and triumphs I've faced and continue to face on this journey. As of today I have a total of 56 lbs lost, and another 25 to go.


I will do this, dammit.

Me, December 2006 - 230 lbs

May 2010 - 173 lbs.

A comparison in deprivation

So I went to my parents this weekend. Friday night I was all happy because the leather pants that were downright uncomfortable to wear the last time I tried them on are fitting again.

So the next morning I was curious, and since I don't own a scale at home, I jumped on my moms scale. Gah. I was not a happy camper. So I've made a decision, and I'm finally going to bite the bullet and join Weight Watchers. I've seen it work for other people, and frankly, this is beyond just a self-image thing. 230 lbs on a 5'5" frame, there's no way that can be good for me.

Since the program is costly, my parents have been kind enough to offer to pay for me to go, as long as I stick to it. Keep my diaries, go to the meetings. It's like I'm a recovering alchoholic.

Today was day one. I stuck within my points thing, and drank the required water but it's not been easy. I had grown accustomed to just eating whenever I felt like it, so I was hungry quite a bit today. It's gonna be a tough couple of days/weeks/however long it takes to get accustomed to a lesser intake.

It's harder than quitting smoking (which I am still working on as well). For a few reasons

- When I quit smoking , I didn't have cupboards full of cigarettes at my disposal.
- I don't have two children who require cigarettes to live. I do have small children do need to eat, and that enjoy the occasional treat, so that means they are in the house, and I gotta either not touch em, or go really easy on em. Fortunately I was not in the habit of having a LOT of junk in the house, just maybe a bag of cookies a week, and cereal bars
- It didn't cost me 50 bucks more a week to not smoke. Healthy food is more expensive than junk food. No wonder people are fat. Organic food is even moreso.
- There are no rules against eating indoors, or in public areas, or in class. The anti-smoking restrictions help to at least make you cut down.
- You can't advertise cigarettes in Canada
- Nicotine is out of your system in 2-4 days. The need for food is always there.
- Don't have to schedule a sitter or arrange for the kids to go to their dads while I go to meetings to not smoke

The good thing, I can eat all the fuckin' sushi I want. Woot, go sushi. I usually get a thing of it from the deli on mondays. The girls have Lunchables. Reagan calls the sushi kit, mommys lunchable. mmm. yummy.

This also means I have to start packing lunches for school, as the fresh grille is probably off limits, as is the pizza pizza kiosk, and lets face it, the salad bar is gonna get real old, real fast.

Thankfully I haven't been drinking a lot lately, because that all adds up. A shot of rye is like 2 points. If you don't remember to stick with diet pop or water, then you're looking at 5 points a drink.

So now I say goodbye to many of the things I loved. Kraft dinner, Pizza, Cafe Mochas, Mostly all Tim Hortons products other than coffee, Processed cheese (although I cut that out a long time ago) Lunch meats, etc etc. Only on special occasions shall we meet from here on in.

Oh if anyone is interested, my high range goal is 50 lbs over the next 6-8 months. 10 pounds a month is at the high range of a healthy weight loss, so I think I'm being pretty fair with myself. 80 lbs over the next two years. Keep your fingers crossed.

Oh, I might want to add, that I'm usually against dieting on a level of principal, the medias unrealistic pressure on women and whatnot, but I figure on this one, my health outweighs my principles.