WWWednesday - Two Steps Forward, One soul-killing step back.

Up 1.5 lbs this week.

I am frustrated.  Seriously.  I tracked up until Monday night, then lost track.  Thinking over what I actually ate between Monday and Today though, I don't think I was way too off.

Frankly, I'm frustrated as all hell with this "journey" right now.  I hate the fact that if I even go a little bit off, I seem to lose progress.

I'm sick to death of having to be aware of what I'm eating and why I'm eating.  It's a pain in the ass having to stop and ask myself  "Am I hungry, or just bored or just stressed out?"  I hate writing shit down.  I hate counting points.  I hate measuring stuff.  I hate nutrition labels.  Seriously, I fucking hate it. I hate having to be hyper-aware of every goddamned morsel that goes in my mouth. This kind of crap is how eating disorders get started.

I've been at this for almost four years now.  This last 20 is friggin' killing me.  I can't handle one more person telling me that muscle weighs more than fat.  Big effin' deal.  Muscle means I'm still plunking down 60 bucks a month to stay in this bloody program.  But I've tried following it on my own before, and I need that accountability.  If no one else is paying attention, then neither will I.  Sounds shallow, I know, but it's a support thing too.

The ladies at the meeting have even suggesting because I've been on this fucking desolate tundra of a plateau for so long now that I get a note from my doctor so I can set a goal weight outside of the 'normal' range for my height.  But you know what?  I set a goal (and a reasonable one) and I intend to stick to it.  To suddenly knock 15 or 20 lbs off my ultimate goal seems like a cop-out.   Basically, if I do that, I'm going to know that I didn't do what I set out to do, and I'll feel like a con.  *sigh*  And by knowing secretly that I did cop out, then I lose the motivation to maintain what progress I did make.  I'm so close.  At this point it's not even about the scale, or my ass, or a number.. It's that I set a goal, a reasonable one, even, and I'm going to fucking DO IT.  Not backing down.

I know, and am fully aware of all the benefits that I've gained from coming this far.  I'm med-free, I'm in the best shape I've been in years (if not ever).  I'm starting to feel really good about myself (although I see myself still as an overweight woman.. funny how body dysmorphia screws with you) and I know I'm making good choices.  I know I've come a long way.  And it's one thing when I know I've not been keeping to the plan as well as I can.. if I skip tracking for a week, or don't excercise then I know it's nobody's fault buy my own whne i don't make progress.  It's just fucking irritating as hell when I bust my ass, but then slip a bit and end up paying for it.

One of the things I liked about this program was the idea that yes, once in a while you can indulge yourself.. but it feels like when I do that, then I lose progress.  And I don't mean indulging by taking a day where I totally pig out.. I mean I might have a donut and a beer or something and then it shows up. THAT'S ANNOYING.  I don't even dip into the allowance points when I'm tracking because it seems to show up and impede my progress.

Those of you with naturally good eating habits, active lifestyles and good metabolism, be thankful for these things.. because feeling like you have to police yourself is such a pain in the ass. 

*anyone who might be overly concerned reading this, I'm just venting here just so you know*