Sunday, October 13, 2013

Mama's got a brand new bag.

I hope you'll forgive me the cheesy and obvious joke in the title of this post.  It's been one helluva week, with more doctors appointments, good news, bad news, ambivalent news and just kind of up and down, emotionally.  There's been a lot of tears, and a lot of anger.  Also a lot of people being supportive and awesome.

The good news! I got my CT scan results back, and there's no signs of metastasis (oh, Gord, I hope I'm using the right word there) so pretty stoked about that, but at the same time it's made me extra impatient to have the tumour removed.  Get it out while the getting is good.  Everyone involved has been doing well at getting the ball rolling but at the same time, it can't be fast enough.  

But at the same time I want to hurry up and get this surgery done, I'm dreading it. Herein lies the bad news.  After discussions between my internal medicine specialist, my family physician, and about 25 surgeons at a conference in Barrie (I'm a fucking medical anomaly, yo) the general consensus is that the whole damn thing is going to have to come out - my colon, that is - leaving me with iliostomy bag (..and there's the punchline. *rimshot*) until some restorative surgery can be done down the line.

I'm told it's my "choice" but in that way where, yes I have "options" but that my options are not really options.  Shit in a bag or have reoccurring tumours and a greatly shorted lifespan.

Cake or death?  I'll have the cake.  Thank you for flying Church of England.

This is where I start to wonder why can't i get breast cancer like normal women my age?  Not that breast cancer is not a horrible terrible thing to have to deal with in and of itself, I am sure it sucks on all levels and far be it from me to imply that breast cancer patients have it easy and honestly i'd rather not have to deal with any of this, but at this point in time, if i had to make a choice, i could pretty easily live without my boobs.  They're pretty much ornamental.  My colon, other the other hand, is pretty fucking useful, even if it has been quite literally, a HUGE PAIN IN MY ASS over the years.

All this shizz here got to go.
Which brings me to the more kind of ambivalent news.. This surgery, will, effectively cure me of my colitis.  Since you can't actually have colitis without a colon. Durr.  I won't ever have appendicitis either, since in removing the colon, you pretty much have to remove the appendix as well, otherwise it'd just be bouncing around in your abdominal cavity, attached to nothing.

Also, I will apparently no longer fart.  Which pretty much blew my mind.  Like,that's weird, right? the Kids thought that was hilarious and replied with some exaggerated replies of "Thank GOD!"

So, at this point, just waiting for the surgery date.  They're telling me at the end of the month.  They're able to do this laparoscopically now, which is good, I guess.  Means a lot less downtime than open surgery, but the scars won't be as badass.

I'm hanging in, for the time being.

6 comments:

  1. When I saw the title, I thought, "Oh, no." Then the confirmation.

    *sighs*

    You better come out of this, doll. They can rebuild you. They have the technology.

    *ninja hugs*

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  2. Fucking hell. I've been nervously waiting to hear more of what's going on. So sorry about the shit bag. Ever since learning of their existence, I've been a little terrified of someday needing one. I had always thought they were permanent. Hugely relieved to hear it will be temporary for you.

    Although, is not farting... like... safe? Won't you explode like a seagull on Alka Seltzer?

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    Replies
    1. Nah, any gas buildup goes into the bag, so it still comes out, just not the normal way.

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  3. http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130825220527/mlp/images/thumb/2/23/NBC%27s_The_More_You_Know.jpg/479px-NBC%27s_The_More_You_Know.jpg

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  4. I'm sorry, lady. I hope everything goes well, and I wish you a speedy recovery.

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  5. Blarg. Well, suck though it may, you're right about it being better than the alternative. Thank ye gods of Olympus that it has stayed in your colon and not spread! And congrats on the no farting thing!

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Engaging in discussion and/or general sucking up.. that's where it's at!