Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Meet Simon, King Asshole of Felines.

I have an odd relationship with my cat. It's rather adversarial and frankly, a little weird.

He's kind of a dick.

Maybe it stems back to kittenhood trauma, when mama Chloe was forced to evacuate her babies from under my bed when an ex and I got a little too frisky. She sure as hell didn't like me much. Nor him, for that matter. Maybe in his little kitty brain he was traumatized by the late night flight and has been trying to get back at me ever since.

Maybe it's because I never intended to keep him. My status as his owner is a begrudging one. He was one of the last of a litter that I had a bitch of a time finding homes for. My girls, heartbroken after Chloe ran away (and who can blame her? I'd run away too if I had two nearly-grown sons who were trying to rape me on a daily basis), wrested a promise that if Chloe didn't ome back, we could keep Simon.

That's right. Cats have no natural incest taboo. Apparently that's totally a human social construct. Way to find that out the hard way.

But yeah.. We have a bit of a passive-aggressive thing going on. Some people treat their cats and other pets like children. Mine is more like a belligerent room-mate that wrecks my shit and doesn't contribute to the grocery bill.

He's kind of a dick.

Even other cats don't like him. I can hardly let him outside without him getting his ass handed to him by other neighborhood cats. And I get it, I totally get it.

Did I mention that he likes to 'lay claim' to stuff of mine, in that special, disgusting way male cats have of saying "mine!"? Yeah. My winter coat. My guitar case. Various pieces of furniture.

My children. Me. I don't think I need to elaborate, do I? Let's just say, I do a lot more laundry when he gets feeling territorial.

I decided to get on the ball and get all his shots up to date so I can get him snipped so hopefully he'll A) not be so damned possessive of everything, B) quit pissing off the other cats and C) shut up once in a while. Seriously. Loudest Cat Ever.

Plus, it's good for their health to have their Immunizations up to date. Hell, I'm nice enough that I even bought him the crazy vet cat food instead of friskies because I'm NICE and I don't WANT him to get crystals in his urine.

And how does he repay me for PROTECTING HIM FROM DISEASE AND TRYING TO ENSURE HE DOESN'T GET CRYSTALLIZED URINE ALL UP IN HIS URETHRA?

By unleashing and unholy torrent of every bodily fluid imaginable on the way home in the cat carrier, and rolling around in it for good measure. Which resulted in me having to figure out how to clean the carrier (which is out in my yard right now, on "low priority") and more importantly, how the hell to clean this cat?

I've mentioned I don't have a tub right?

So this involves me having to shut myself up in the shower stall with a very unhappy, piss-and-shit covered cat. You're enjoying this image, aren't you? Perverts.

Now I sit, exhausted and drinking wine and blogging and the little bugger is curled up next to me like nothing happened and like there isn't a gouge in my foot from when he tried to make a break for it. What a kiss-ass.

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Jeezy creepy, I almost forgot! I Have an awkward guest post up at Best of Fates. If you haven't read Megan's stuff, I highly recommend it. Plus I have respect for anyone who abuses brackets like I tend to abuse ellipses...

And paragraph breaks.

14 comments:

  1. OMG.

    For one. Your cat is kind of a dick. Read people: her cat is kind of a dick. I know him first hand, and I'm a cat lover. She is NOT elaborating. And VERY vocal. He never shuts up.

    For two. The image of you in that tiny shower with Simon. 'Nuff said. (I use the sink, much less back breaking then the tub btw)

    For three. I'm sorry to tell you that I don't think he'll stop claiming things once he's fixed. I suggest asking the vet about having the glands removed. Just to see how much that costs...

    P.S. I love you. Be strong. Simon will not get the best of you. xo

    Is he purring while curled up next to you?

    Also, Chloe ran away... after you paid to have her fixed? :-/

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  2. Oh yeah, one more thing:

    Your welcome for the cat carrier. If it wren't for that, you'd have Simon piss and shit all over your car LOL

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    Replies
    1. I still do. Well, piss anyway. He was kind enough to aim for the carrier door to get as much outside the carrier as possible.

      I swear he does these things to spite me.

      Delete
    2. I try. Not to spite you I mean.. I try to help... with the cat carrier... and the comment, you know, to try and think "it could be worse" lol but apparently I fail.

      Delete
  3. Wow. Hilarious. I seriously laughed out loud and Beaty woke the toddler. Would have been almost worth it.

    FYI, your cat is a dick. There is no 'kind of' about it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Beaty?!? WTF iPhone auto correct. Brutal. Please insert 'nearly' in my previous comment. I have no idea what a Beaty is...except Warren but he has no place here.

      Delete
  4. I've met the cat, have been victimized by the cat. The cat's a dick.

    By the way, how many character witnesses to the cat being "kind of a dick" do we need before the jury can declare that simon is indeed guilty of being a dick.

    hmm abusing … you sure about that? I think I know what I will blog about now.

    ReplyDelete
  5. So that's three votes for he's a dick. I'm feeling totally vindicated right here.

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  6. I have two of the best cats ever. Yours is definitely a dick. I really think he would like to be an outdoor cat.

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  7. I shouldn't be laughing, but I totally am. And I concur- Simon's a dick. I've had cats all my life, and never had issues on this level. Good luck with that one.

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  8. Great post. I've got three cats with noticeably different personalities, luckily none of them are dicks.

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  9. He may be a dick, but he's not the Loudest Cat Ever. I'm pretty sure my cat holds that title.

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Engaging in discussion and/or general sucking up.. that's where it's at!

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