Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Lies I have told, or intend to tell, to keep the Tooth Fairy alive.

I am, quite possibly, the worst Tooth Fairy ever.

Really, I am. I should really just give up the charade and tell the kids the God's-honest-truth and end the madness once and for all, for everyone's sake.

But where is the fun in that when I can just keep coming up with more and more elaborate lies and stories to keep the fantasy alive.

"Mom? Why didn't the tooth fairy come last night?"

(truth? I forgot.) "well honey, you didn't actually lose your tooth until it was almost bedtime. She was probably all booked up for tonight."

Next night: "mom, the tooth fairy still didn't come."

(crap, no spare change) "well, you know, the worlds population is growing exponentially, which means a lot of kids losing a lot of teeth, everyday. She clearly can't do it in one night. Fairies are small. It takes them a longer time to cover a greater distance. It's not like she's Santa Claus. She doesn't even have the religious exemptions Santa gets."

That weekend they are at their dad's so clearly TF isn't going to show while they're away. So by the time they come back, it's been a week and no TF.

Okay, here's the part of the story that not only makes me look like the worst tooth fairy ever, but possibly the worst mother ever as well.

I gaslit my own child in the name of tooth fairy face-saving.

Day five or six. I have once again forgotten to stick some change under the pillow. So I stick three bucks in my pocket and hang around the girls' room, grumbling dramatically about the disastrous state it's in. While i'm in there, very stealthily, like a ninja, grab the tooth and call out "hey Tierney! Did you check to see if the tooth fairy finally came?"

"No!" comes the call and I slip then money under the pillow before she makes it to the door in time to hear "...but Reagan did." Tee finds the money ("Wow! Three dollars? Last time I only got two!" "yeah, that's probably accrued interest.") and admonishes Reagan for not seeing that the tooth fairy was there after all.

Rees insists that "well, the tooth is still there!" which, no, it's not. It's in my pocket. She can't undstand it. It's actually fairly upsetting to her, especially as Tierney is insisting that she must be imagining things.

Finally: "Uh, guys... The tooth fairy is magic you know. You don't think she could have snuck in when neither of you were looking?"

Oh, total inconsistency for the win.

So I made my child question her own reality in order to avoid outing an imaginary tooth-peddling floosy. Go ahead and judge me.

My friend has kids of a similar age and has confessed to also being a terrible tooth fairy. I figure this is great, as it gives me plausible deniability (my catchphrase of the week) and a case to paint the Tooth Fairy as some sort of incompetent schmuck who generally just isn't very good at her job. We came with a few other scenarios that we can bullshit our way through:

Scenario: the last tooth garnered three dollars, this one only got a buck seventy five.
Truth: I bought an extra coffee this afternoon.
Explanation: the price of teeth is based loosely on the price of gold and the daily interest rates.

Scenario: how come {name redacted} gets more/less than us?
Truth: I'm cheap/overcompensating for not spending enough time with them and/or being a shitty tooth fairy
Explanation: property taxes.

I could keep this shit going until they are thirty-five, at least.


My second post is up at Different Paths, Same Destination. Go, read, love.


  1. We don't have kids yet, but we're tempted to skip the tooth fairy, easter bunny and santa as truths.

    Let the "magic" happen, without lying to them, but trying to make sure they don't ruin it for other kids.

    Sort of like for our family, we would just act "for" the abovementioned entities. So, still a lie.

    Is it bad that I laughed during this post? It's pretty cute after all. And perhaps one or both have really figured it out already, but are hangin' in for the cash.


  2. I don't doubt it. They're pretty smart, those girls.

    Tbh Steph, if I had it all to do again, I'd have probably approached the Santa/tooth fairy/Easter bunny thing from a "yes we know they're not really real, but it's still a lot of fun to pretend" angle. I mean, It's kind of weird to have these socially-condoned mass lies, and I don't doubt that some kids take it really really badly when they find out. It's messed up.

  3. BAHAHA YES that convorstaion over sushi dinner made my night! You know, us tooth fairies have to stick together! Gotta come up with these lies together so that when my kid asks your kid, it's the same story!!

    We are so smrt!

  4. I always told the kids that Santa was just a fun story to pretend, but some kids believed the story so we shouldn't ruin it for them.

    But the tooth fairy we never talked about. I got found out though... I was a bad tooth fairy too. I'd forget and I'd try to sneak in to give them a goodnight kiss and hug and slide it under the pillow and find the tooth, all without them realizing it. It worked for a while. Until one kid saw me messing under the other kids pillow, and told me he knew.

    Moral of the story: to keep secrets, do not have kids share bedrooms. But as long as they got their money, they didn't care.

  5. This is great. Mine haven't started losing baby teeth, but I worry I'll be a terrible tooth fairy as well. I had a hard enough time remembering to move that damn shelf elf every night in December. Gah.

  6. You may not be a very good Tooth Fairy, but you are a damn good deceiver of children. Your excuses were hilarious. "Booked up for the night"? I love thinking that the tooth fairy is this grizzled old lady, punching the clock, who really has no magic, she's just a hard worker.

  7. Another case of an ethical/moral dilemma caused by the alleged existence of the Fairy of Teeth. When will it ever end?

  8. My sleight of hand skills sound like they'll come in handy.

  9. We had to go to the distance when our first lost his first tooth. He had heard rumors from some friends. So the tooth fairy left a foreign coin with the other coins. It threw him for a loop. From that time on - the fairy kept getting confused what country she was in and always left a foreign coin with the others.

    1. That is ingenious! I love the idea of a confused tooth fairy (which also lends credibility to her incompetence).

      I have a friend on Facebook who simply 'outbid' the Tooth Fairy in a 'TF gives you a quarter but if you let ME keep your teeth, I'll give you a DOLLAR' kind of way.

  10. I did the whole tooth-fairy-is-an-incompetent-schmuck thing too and eventually told my kids to just bring their teeth to me, and I (being far more reliable than the shitty tooth fairy) would make sure they got their money.

  11. Hahahhaahah gaslighting your own kid is hilarious. Good excuses on your part!

  12. we've forgotten, lied, distracted, and gottena way with things...

    you know what's saved me? @toothfairycyber on teh twitterz...she helps me make up stories and the fact my girls think I know the tooth fairy personally keeps me alive for them...


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