Thursday, May 10, 2012

Just Hope That She Doesn't Have a Run-In with Magneto

My kid swallowed a marble last night.

Now, since I know you're probably going to ask, no I do NOT have a toddler running around that I've conveniently forgotten to mention.

This was my youngest child who is going to be all of nine years old in a few short months. My supposedly borderline-gifted almost nine-year-old swallowed a silver ball bearing from one of those Magnetix sets because she missed the memo that putting random shit in your mouth for no good reason is the kind of crap you're supposed to stop doing usually around the time you are toilet-trained.

There we were, almost ready for bed and as she was walking into the kitchen, she looked up at the ceiling and then suddenly started screaming, and coughing a bit.  But mostly screaming, while clutching her throat.

At least she's not choking, if she can scream like that is my first thought as I run over to see just what the hell happened to make her start wailing like a banshee.  In mere seconds she stops, calms down.

“What the hell happened?"

Perfectly calm, she answers “Apparently, I just swallowed a marble."


Awesome right?


I had no idea what to do.

Logically it seemed like the thing to do would be to wait it out, until nature took its course and the marble made it's way out via a route that would possible end up shattering my toilet bowl.  On my mom's advice I called Telehealth and after hearing that Reeg's was having some stomach pain, I was advised by the nurses to take her to the ER.  Which I did even though I had a feeling it was probably a wasted trip but good old Maternal Guilt™, that fucker, kept telling me that if I DIDN'T take her then I'd regret the hell out of it when said child, now affectionately and somewhat mockingly referred to as Marble Girl, died of a perforated bowel in the middle of the night.

Maternal Guilt™ is a bitch that way.  I think he feeds off the souls of the perpetually anxious and insecure.

So sending her sister off to Grammy's, I packed her up and headed to the hospital, making sure to bring a book because fuck wait times.  Two and a half hours and one x-ray later, we left Emerg with the sage advice that she would probably pass it and bring her back if she experienced ‘Severe pain'.
I feel like I should have cropped out my kids pelvis. That's weird, isn't it?
Thing is, ‘Severe Pain' is pretty fucking subjective.  Especially in a child who doesn't really know how to express gradations of pain other than by using extremities.  Which is why we ended up back in the ER again today to basically end up with the same set of sage advice, but from a different set of doctors. Even though the marble had NOT.  BUDGED.  AN.  INCH.

Last Night's Pain.

Today's pain, which led to another ER trip.  Yeah, that's right.  KANYE-SIZED PAIN.
This time before leaving, I made the doctor specify exactly what kind of pain I should be on the lookout for, none of this vague-descriptors-like-severe bullshit.  Vomiting, doubled-over, clutching stomach type pain.  

So we play the waiting game, and tomorrow I once again get to take her back to Emerg for another X-Ray because in all likelihood, it would take three weeks to get an appointment with my doctor.  

The girls stepmother remarked to me on the phone "I bet she never does this again."

I do too.  If the tedious amounts of time we've had to spend in hospitals with SWEET FUCK ALL to do doesn't deter her, the amount of ribbing she has received certainly will.  I have thoughts for a Marble Girl comic and possibly a halloween costume and a series of licensed merchandise and action figures.

11 comments:

  1. Okay but if she came across Magneto, maybe he could use his powers to hustle that thing on it's journey.

    I've learned to ignore Maternal Guilt - usually. Plus, all of the ER staff pretty much knows me by sight and it's gotten too embarrassing to go.

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    1. I've thought about that, but knowing Magneto and his lack of empathy for mere homo sapiens, including homo sapien children I think he'd probably help it along RIGHT THROUGH HER GUT for the greater good of mutant kind.

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  2. I wonder if a big magnet would help move it along...

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  3. I swallowed a marble once when I was a kid. It got stuck in my throat. Never did that again. I have, however, swallow several dollars in coins in my youth, and then was always treated to "Who put a quarter in this kid?" Repeatedly.

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    1. That had to be fun. I usually back off the teasing once I notice that she's not finding it as funny. It's that point where you can tell that she's gone from laughing to pretending-to-laugh. I recognize it from my own childhood.

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  4. Maternal Guilt is such a fucker. Also, that x-ray is incredible! That marble looks huge! Like a moon in her chest. In Evelyn's playgroup (of 2 and 3 year olds), one of the kids swallowed a penny at home. His poor mother dug through his shit for 6 days till she finally found it. The worst I've had yet to deal with is when Evelyn stuck a sticker up her nose. Not nearly as bad as Marble Girl but she couldn't breathe out of one nostril and of course it hurt her nose hairs when we finally yanked the sticker out with a pair of tweezers. Kids, man.

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  5. Well... at least you got that awesome X-Ray to have forever! Right, amirite?! I really hope to see pictures of Marble Girl on November1st rocking her giant M-Caped Halloween costume. Please. Please. PLEASE!

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  6. I hope I didn't take it too far last night... it was just SO EASY! They kept rolling off my tongue!

    Not sure if I told you I already have comic ideas, if I knew how to draw they'd be a reality.

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  7. Maternal Guilt is male? I never knew.

    When I had my tonsils out at age five, the doctor found a button in my nostril. No one has any idea how long it was up there.

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    1. I struggled with the pronoun and in retrospect, I think Maternal Guilt™ would be more likely to be female.. Women often seem to be way more vicious in their "Mommy-Judging".

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