I recently read an article link on Feministe's Shameless Self-Promotion Sunday that nearly knocked me out of my seat with its clarity.
Nahida's post on learning to receive compliments struck a chord with me. She discusses the habit among women to immediately downplay ourself when offered compliments.
Woman 1: "Oh, that's a lovely dress!"
Woman 2: "What, this old thing?"
Rather than taking credit when we are complimented ("Thanks! It's my favourite."), we have a terrible habit of self-deprecation, unconsciously putting ourselves down in an attempt to appear modest. It's mostly a learned behaviour, as supported Nahida's anectdote about the girls on the playground. My own experience wasn't so much "You're not supposed to say 'Thank You'" but it definitely wasn't cool to say "I know."
I'm terrible in my inability to graciously accept a compliment, especially in two areas: My music/art/writing and my recent weight loss. After losing about 60 lbs, I found I had a ridiculously difficult time receiving compliments in regards to my new body. I'd consistently jump to point out how much further I had to go ("Thanks, I still have another 25 to lose, though").
It took some time before I stopped myself and went "Hang on a minute! I've worked damn hard at this, and I deserve to feel good about it." For a time, I started responding to the "You've lost a lot of weight, you look great!" with "Thanks. I feel good." This has helped me not only receive the compliment, but downplay the emphasis on how my weight loss has affected my looks and put emphasis on the more important issue, which has been the improvement on my health. I felt this was important because in the past my weight has fluctuated due to stress and illness and I always found it bothersome when I'd get complimented on it.
"Did you lose weight? You look amazing!"
"Really? 'Cause I feel like shit."
Still I slip back into bad habits though. Even today, a friend on Facebook mentioned she had seen me and asked me my secret, to which, in typical Andie fashion, I responded with "Four years of Weight Watchers and a whole lot of patience. I also took up kick-boxing a year ago. Oh, and shit load of self-loathing and amphetamines."
Yeah, I'm kind of an artiste in the medium of comedic self-deprecation.
Why did I feel the need to add the last part? I can assure you it had nothing to do with amphetamines, but probably a little to do with self-loathing, or at the very least, lack of self-confidence. I still have days of mild body-dysmorphia where I feel gross and fat, even though the rational side of me knows I am not, and this has been exascerbated by the knowledge that I've probably put about 10-15 lbs back on. I almost feel sometimes like if I accept the compliment graciously that I'm somehow being un-genuine. Which is bullshit.
I've also been trying to learn how to graciously accept compliments regarding artwork and music, especially music. In the last year or two I've taken to playing at a lot of open mike nights, as well as posting videos of myself to Facebook (and once, even here). Compliments I receive on a performance I always feel the need to point out where I fucked up, or missed a chord change, or my voice cracked. Putting aside the occasional backhanded "You play good, for a girl" compliments, I enjoy the feedback, and it definitely bolsters my confidence as far as my abilities go, so why the need to downplay what I have basically been honing for the last seventeen years?
I liked Nahida's suggestion about calling out people who refuse to accept a compliment, because it is a bit rude, a way of saying "I appreciate your intent, but you don't really know what you're talking about." and THAT is ingenuine. And kind of rude.
As a feminist issue, all I really have to ask is how can we expect our talents, contributions and accomplishments to be acknowledged and celebrated when we ourselves are so apt to put them off as "Oh, it's no big thing, I just..?"
It might just be a big thing. So go ahead and say it. Without downplaying, without self-deprecating, without denying.
When I read or perform or whatever, I'm always saying "It's a work in progress." Maybe it's not so much conditioning to devalue ourselves, but an eagerness to be the first to put ourselves down, before others get the chance.ReplyDelete
You blog well... for a girl.ReplyDelete
This sounds like a defense mechanism to me. You get to take the compliment, only if you so desire, at arms length and on your own terms. And the preface of something like "it's a work in progress" is great at lowering expectations too. I've always done that with anything remotely artistic. Music, writing, drawing.ReplyDelete
Nahida is so badass.ReplyDelete
I've had to train myself to accept compliments. I'm still working on convincing myself that I'm not the worst person to ever live ever.
as i said on teh twitterz...ReplyDelete
I suck at taking compliments. I'm more emo/self loathing than Robert Smith of The Cure...but I dont wear make up.
I can relate to your post...
ohhh and tell D'artagnan I moved over to wordpress.
I'll make a note of that as well. Blogger's got two strikes. One more, and I'll probably be making the move there myself.ReplyDelete
1) Effing awesome post. I, too, can relate, and will keep this in my mind as I work to unlearn the bad habit of self-deprecating.
2) Why does Blogger have two strikes?
Great post! I myself cannot take a compliment well either. I just hang my head and stammer.ReplyDelete
And, 60 POUNDS!. Damn, that's hard. Last year I started a diet and exercise program with the goal of losing fifty pounds in a year. One year later, I'm ten pounds heavier, now at the fattest in my life. Back on the bicycle tomorrow (flat tire fixed this afternoon), and my new goal is to lose sixty pounds in a year. If diet and bicycle don't work, I'll try the amphetamines.
@Sarah, the recent known issues annoyed me, including the 36 hour outage (if it was that long) and the other day I couldn't sign in to save my life. It's pretty glitchy sometimes.ReplyDelete
This made me realize, I may not say it, but I think I shrug a lot, probably my way to say "This old thing." Maybe it's my introverted way of internalizing it?ReplyDelete
VERY good post! I do the same thing when people comment on my weight loss. Somehow it feels so personal and I feel weird to have someone comment on it. Like they are looking at me naked or something. And I HATE that skinny = worthy for women in this culture so my instinct is to buck it, and having people tell me I look thinner, like that's the ultimate compliment kind of pisses me off. (holy backlash!) I lose weight to feel better and now I am going to use your response. "Thank you! I feel better!" That's perfect.ReplyDelete
You are absolutely right. Somehow, in the last couple of years I've been able to boil it down, having received a compliment, to just "thank you" without all the "yeah, but --" or similar.ReplyDelete
I still secretly suspect, however, that the person complimenting me either doesn't know what they're talking about or is pulling my leg somehow...
this blog is very good mmmmReplyDelete
I am learning that my core beliefs lead me down this self-loathing path, but that it is truly crushing my soul.
I'll still use it as blog fodder, but in real life I am FORCING myself to take it in. Even if I say thanks and really only compute 15%, it's better than deflection or denial.
And I also decided that punitive exercise is killing me. So even if I gain weight and am a heavier bride, I will be a HAPPIER one.
Fukc this OCPD attitude.
Seriously?... Reeeally??... Seriously?