Sunday, January 20, 2013

Fat Rant - (Content warning for ED discussion)

Those who have been reading for some time now (not that I've had anything much to say lately) will know that a few years back I lost about 65 lbs on the Weight Watchers program.  At the time, it felt right for me, as I was in a very low place, self-image wise.

To keep a long story short, I eventually quit.  Aside from rampant corporatism that left a bitter taste in my mouth, I also grew irritated with the constant measuring, portioning, counting points and so forth.  When I found myself in Canadian Tire contemplating the purchase of a kitchen scale so I could measure my portions to the very gram, I took pause.

"Holy Shit! This is ridiculous," I thought to myself and decided from there on, I would make a contining effort to make sure I included enough nutritious food in my day-to-day (which I do, most of the time) and I would remain active (which I have) but this counting calories-points-whathaveyou was a large steaming piling of bullshit that I would no longer have any part of.

I began reading up on Health At Every Size and fat activism and decided I was going to do what I could to love my body, regardless of what shape it decides to be.  As long as I was feeling good, feeling healthy then that would be it and I was NOT going to let a number on a scale or in my pants tell me different.

Why, because life is too fucking short to spend every minute of the day obsessing over every tiny tidbit that goes into my mouth and going "Oh dear, have I gone over my Points?  Fail, Fail, Fail." and generally beating myself up when the scale doesn't show me what I want it to.  That's disordered thinking, folks.  Psychological health is important as well as physical health and preoccupation with food and weight is damaging.

Here's the problem:

I've since, in the last three years, gained back about 25 lbs as one is wont to do when they spend a number of years fastidiously restricting their food intake and that is fucking with my head a bit.  I'm trying really, really hard not to get all down on myself for this and keeping perspective.  I still eat pretty well.. much, much better than I used to.  I still Kick box, take walks weather permitting and this past summer The Well Travelled One and I went on a bunch of 2 and 3 hour hikes and plan to do more this summer.

But my pants don't fit.  And that sucks.  Because I'm cheap.  Instead of being reasonable and logical and maybe buying some new fucking pants that fit, little stupid jerkbrain starts telling me that I'm gross and sloppy and look packed in and if I just lost 10 lbs or 20 I'd look soooo much better.  and I feel bad about myself.

I shouldn't.  But I do.

32 years of societal programming is hard to undo, y'all.

11 comments:

  1. Out of my 85 years I calculate that I had spent about 75 of them depriving myself of food (which I worship and adore) in order to make my pants fit. I finally figured out about 5 years ago that for whatever years were left to me I was going to relish and enjoy every morsel of whatever food I craved and just wear a horseblanket if that was all that fit me. It was the smartest decision I ever made.

    Health and joy are important......the size of your pants is NOT.

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  2. The food industry loads up it's ready meals with sugar and fat and the diet industry reaps the benefits when people gain weight eating the stuff. It's all about money. Eat fresh produce and prepare your own meals as much as you can. It's the best way.

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    1. Yeah, I'm still trying to make better choices but based on whether I will feel better physically, rather than if it will make me lose weight.

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  3. I have no words of wisdom, only offerings of solidarity and support.

    Okay, maybe one bit of wisdom -- I know how it sucks to hear that stupid little jerkbrain voice. But there's also something... validating... in being able to call that stupid little jerkbrain voice for precisely what it is.

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    1. For sure. It's a lot easier to shut the Jerkbrain up when I can tell myself it's not a personal failing.

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  4. A. I'm late to the game but I'm here now.
    b. Pants are bullshit.
    3. I heart you.
    12. He hearts you.
    G. Relatable post.

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    Replies
    1. Not the first time. Glad you caught on lol

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  5. I'm sorry to hear that you feel badly about yourself, but I DO so know how it goes.

    I think you have the right mindset there, deep within you and you will make your way to it when the time is completely right.

    In the meantime, you be you. Do what you have to and work on the happy. (hugs)

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  6. I read this a few days ago and wanted so much to comment by my internet provider SUCKS, but I didn't forget and now here I am. I agree with you on this 1000%! Weight Watchers is ridiculous. Like you're really going to tally up everything that goes in your mouth for the rest of your life. Yuck. And pants: Don't get me started. I HATE so much that if a woman gains a few pounds she immediately thinks she's gross and sloppy and apologetic for taking up a little more space in the world. If you are healthy and happy, that's all that counts. Oh, and I started wearing skirts this year for work and a size 12 skirt is loose on me where size 14 pants are punishingly snug. Fuck the pants. Wear skirts.

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Engaging in discussion and/or general sucking up.. that's where it's at!

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