Today I am out of patience. Outwardly, I look okay. Normal. I'm going to go, do some christmas shopping with a friend, have dinner with The Well-Travelled One and go about my business, while inside I kick and scream and throw a toddler-tantrum at the sheer un-fucking-fairness of it all.
There's so much anger inside me right now.
I'm angry that, as a friend of mine pointed out, we don't show the same level of remorse and shirt-wrending heartache when we hear of children across the ocean being killed daily by bombs and artillery. Over there are also parents who woke up one morning, kissed their child that morning only to mourn them by day's end. We call them collateral damage and hush people who dare to mention little brown children dying when clusterbombs are dropped on school yards because we need to support the troops.
I'm angry at the people who are suggesting that the way to prevent gun deaths is with more guns, rather than less, as though arming teachers couldn't have possibly ended in more bloodshed. I'm angry when people say that this is not the time to talk about gun control, when people are dying. This is the perfect time.
People say that he would have found another way. Perhaps a bomb, perhaps stabbing like the guy in China that stabbed 22 school children. Do you know how many of those children died?
So don't tell me now is not the time to talk gun control. This is the perfect time. Don't tell me less access to guns wouldn't have made a difference. Today 22 parents in China are thanking their lucky stars instead of mourning their lost babies.
I am angry at people jumping to the obvious conclusion that this man must have been 'mentally ill'. Is it a possibility? Yes. But not all mentally ill people are violent and not all violent people are mentally ill. To assume so does a huge injustice to the non-violent mentally ill. It is not up to me or you to diagnose.
I am angry at the idea that this could have been prevented by allowing God back into our schools. We kept Him out. We refused to let people pray. (We refused to force people to pray, actually).
I want no part of any God who would let little children die because we do not worship as he sees fit.
I have been told, in dark moments, that God has a Plan. Was this part of it? Cold comfort to the families who are living a nightmare today. I have been told on numerous occasions that he is both omnipotent and loving. If he couldn't have saved those children because he isn't "allowed" in schools, then he is not omnipotent. If he wouldn't, then he is not loving.
An omnipotent, loving god would have stopped Adam Lanza before he ever reached the school into which he was not 'allowed'.