Thursday, June 9, 2011

Everything I Ever Needed to Know About Canadian Geography, I learned from Twitter.

Hilarious trending topic on Twitter today - #badprovincialmottos  Let's all come up with the worst provincial mottos we can think of.

My contributions:

Ontario: It's where the capital is! No, not Toronto.. Ottawa.. No.. OTTAWA.. Otta.. Oh fr' chrissakes...

Quebec: Britain's Angry Step-Child*

Prince Edward Island: Our Dirt is RED. And yeah, Potatoes.

Manitoba: J-Lo came here once.

Favorites from other Tweeters

Alberta: We Gave you Nickelback.  You're welcome.

Saskatchewan:  As Flat as Your Nine-Year-Old Daughter

Labrador: Not technically a province, but we try!

Alberta: We're Not As Racist As We Used To Be

Newfoundland: where everybody knows your name but outsiders can't understand you when you tell them

Manitoba: It's not always this cold. Sometimes it's colder.

Nova Scotia: We've Got Crabs! 

By now, some of you U.S. readers (and those further abroad) may be confused and or bored and about to click to go find some porn or pictures of cats.  So you can laugh along with our blatant stereotypes, heres a province by province tutorial.  I hereby present:

Canada according to Twitter.

British Columbia:  Weed.  More Weed.  Will someday sink into the ocean.

Alberta: Oil, a fuckton of Conservatives and Nickelback.

Saskatchewan:  Flat.  Regina rhymes with Vagina.

Manitoba:  Boring.  Often forgotten by school children learning the provinces. Big-assed mosquitoes.

Ontario:  Self-proclaimed centre of the universe.  Is really big.  People don't know what our capital is.

Quebec:  French people. Still pissed about the Conquest.

New Brunswick: It's there, and it's not Newfoundland

Newfoundland:  They talk funny.  Weird time zone.  No jobs.

Labrador: Technically not a province.  Kind of like that family member that no one likes to talk about.

Prince Edward Island:  Really small.  And there's potatoes.

Nova Scotia:  Named after a bank. Had a big explosion once.  Shaped like a lobster/penis.

Yukon:  Cold

Northwest Territories: Not quite a province.  Also Cold.

Nunavut: Still Cold.  No one can pronounce its capital (Iqaluit)

For your convenience, I've compiled a map of our main exports, by province. Click to Enlarge.



Remember kids, knowledge is power!

*No, really.  Think about it.  In the context of Mother Britannia, the United States is the kid that ran away because they didn't like the rules.  English Canada is the kid that stayed at home until they finally got told to "..get the hell out, get a real job because you're not staying around here, playing your video games all day and get a haircut, ya hippie!"  Quebec is the angry stepchild who didn't ask to be there anyway and "...besides you're not my real mom!!"

14 comments:

  1. hmmmm, so us )Atlanta) losing our hockey team to Winnipeg is a really bad thing? If Manitoba is boring, will the people support it?

    Sarah maclachlan is from Nova Scotia, right? I like her a lot

    thanks for the lesson

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  2. Season Tickets for the next season in Winnipeg sold out in 15 minutes, I am pretty sure that they will do fine.

    What about PEI - ANNE OF GREEN GABLES - enough Said!

    I completely agree with you Andie on the Quebec analogy, it is like you can hear the entire province stamp their feet all at once, pout and throw themselves on the ground whenever someone speaks English (I mean they don't get their way!)

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  3. Anne of green gables made it on the map :-)

    In fairness, when I went to Quebec, if I at least tried to speak french, most people would start speaking English at me.

    To Lance - We support the Leafs. We'll support anyone.

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  4. This cracked me up. And having been to Canada before makes it even more funnier to me.

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  5. I grew up in Maine, which according to many Americans is the Canadian Province or city you didn't know about. We used to drive to Quebec for lower age drinking and being talked down to. I love this post!

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  6. Heh, everytime I think of Americans coming to Canada to drink I think of That 70's Show.

    "CANADA! *airhorn* BEER!"

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  7. You also have some kick ass candy that I can't get here.

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  8. I'm still sketched out by the fact that Americans call Rockets "Smarties"

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  9. This is genius. But for Quebec, you forgot poutine.

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  10. Maybe you shouldn't throw around words like "racist" so easily.

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  11. Maybe you should note that I said this was 'According to Twitter' as in, not necessarily myself.

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  12. Oh Lord, this one had me laughing my ass off. Also, it has me worrying that I got all the jokes seeing as I'm not a Canadian, although I do have a soft spot for Tim Horton's. Actually, I have a soft spot around my waist because of Tim Horton's, but I digress.

    I stalked you here from Pearl's place, and have to say you have a great sense of humor. Particularly Canadian humor. I know this because I grew up outside of Buffalo, and went to college in Northern NY where our primary form of entertainment was driving to Cornwall to buy beer, or to Montreal to binge drink and annoy French speakers. So I'm almost like an honorary Canadian. OK, more like the neighbor at the end of the block, with the old car on cinder blocks in the yard, and that damn dog that won't stop barking.

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  13. almost forgot to add my own to the list...

    Canada: We're like the PBS of countries.

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  14. Nice! welcome Tom! I have a co-worker who was born in Canada but grew up in Buffalo so it's like she gets to live the best of both stereotypes :-)

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Engaging in discussion and/or general sucking up.. that's where it's at!