Thursday, July 19, 2012

Sounds Legit...

Okay, I think I may have almost made a telemarketer cry. I honestly, shit-you-not, just had this conversation. We'll call her Lisa.
Me: Hello?
Lisa: Hello, Mrs. Howe?
Me: Formerly, yes.
Lisa: oh, I'm sorry. I'm calling from Pristine Solutions. A few months ago you took a survey with us and we're happy to let you know that you've won a free gift with a value of $150.00
Me: okay.
Lisa: We just need to confirm your address and that you'll be home to receive your gift and answer a few questions. You still live at {redacted}, correct?
Me: For the time being, yes (that's for another post)
Lisa: Okay, someone will be by tonight around 8'clock, does that work for you?
Me: Are they going to try and get me to buy stuff?
Lisa: No, you're not under any obligation.
Me: But are they going to get me to buy stuff?
Lisa: No, we wouldn't want you to buy anything you didn't want or need.
Me: That's not what I asked. I asked if anyone is going to try and get me to buy stuff. Not being obligated to buy stuff isn't the same as not being asked to buy stuff.
Lisa: No, they're just going to ask your opinion.
Me (still skeptical): Okaaaay. So what do I get?
Lisa: It's a gift certificate valued at $150 dollars.
Me: Cool. For what?
Lisa: A business or service in your area.
Me: What kind of business or service?
Lisa: it could be any kind.
Me: You mean I get to pick what I get?
Lisa: No, you get a gift certificate.
Me: A gift certificate for what?
Lisa: $150 from a business or service in your area
Me: Yeah, but which business?
Lisa: You live in (redacted), correct?
Me: Yeah
Lisa: So, it would be a business or service near there.
Me: Yeah, but is it for a restaurant or a hairstylist or welding services? (yeah, Tess, I thought of you)
Lisa: No, it's a gift certificate. I don't understand what you're asking here.
Me: Well, I just want to know what I get for it. If you don't know, you can admit it. It's okay.
Lisa: No, it's a gift certificate. (She's clearly getting flustered, at this point. I'm starting chuckle)
Me: But a certificate for what?
Lisa: $150 for a business or service in your area. I.. I don't know what you want me to tell you.
Me: If you don't know what it's for, it's okay. You can admit it.
Lisa: Well, I don't have it, they have it. It can change from day to day.
Me: so it's a gift certificate but you don't know what for because it's always changing.
Lisa: It's not always changing.
Me: But you don't know what it is. It's okay. You can say it.
Lisa (sighing defeatedly): No.
Me: That wasn't so hard now?
So far, no one has shown. A few years ago, I received a gift of three night's hotel stay in one of about 12 different major tourist cities. Airfare wasn't included so I never ended up using it. But at the time, all I had to do was sit through a vacuum demonstration. Now, I have seen some of the demos that my parents sat through when I was kid, and I tell ya, vacuum sales men can be Wiley and vicious motherfuckers. This guy, however, was the coolest. He comes in, introduces himself, and just before he launches into his spiel he pauses (let's call him Ted)
Ted: Okay, level with me. Do you have ANY interest in buying anything from me?
Me: Honestly?
Ted: Yeah.
Me: Not. A. Chance.
Ted: I'll tell you what. I get paid regardless of whether you buy something or not, so let's not waste each other's time. Here's your gift certificate, have a lovely evening.
After that, I almost wanted to buy a vacuum. Here's to you, Awesome Ted, wherever you may be.


  1. "Who's on first."

    "I don't know."

    "Third base."

  2. I don't think anyone has ever referred to vacuum sales people in such Hunter S. Thompsonian terms as "vacuum sales men can be Wiley and vicious motherfuckers." Hilarious.
    This is by far my favorite post of the day. Your back and forth was great. And you were totally right. You asked straight forward questions and Lisa was being evasive like it was some sort of competition. Well, you win. Well done.

  3. Hey, that sounds like me interrogating! Let's open a private detective agency. lol

    I was at Mickey D's before I left Manila last week. I wanted a Sprite float. The worker said they didn't sell Sprite floats, only the blue one, and a mixture. The mixture was a Sprite base.

    Me: So, you DO have Sprite.

    Her: No, sir.

    Me: You just said all of the floats were Sprite based.

    Her: Yes, sir. (looking around for her manager)

    Me: So may I have a plain Sprite float?

    Her: We don't sell them, sir.

    Me: Okay. Here's what you do. Make me one of those 6-flsvor mixed ones, only pretend you forgot to put the mix it, okay?

    Her: Okay, sir.

    Me: (Waiting)

    Her: Here you go, sir.

    Me: Thank you.

    Manager:(to worker): Don't do that again. We don't sell them. (to me): Sir, we don't sell Sprite floats.

    Me: You just did!

    Mgr.: But we don't do that.

    Me: But...ah, forget it. Burger King is more reasonable.

  4. Granted, I worked customer service for Verizon... so a totally different ball game-- but, ugh-- it ruined phone conversations for me. I hardly answer my phone now-- ever!I have yet to sit through a demo.. but i like free stuff SO i'd totally do it!


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