Sunday, December 5, 2010

these boots...

When I was 18 I was hospitalized with my first bout of colitis and one big motherfucking blood clot in my left leg.  It stretched from behind my knee, right up into my abdomen.   The hospital I stayed at said it was the biggest clot they had seen anyone survive.

In the major leg artery there are valves that are pushed open each time your heart pumps blood through your system, then close when at rest.  These valves serve to distribute the blood in your leg evenly because otherwise, all the blood pools in your ankles


The anticoagulants I was given to dissolve the clot in my leg, also served to dissolve these valves.  As a result, my left calf is perma-swollen and about 1.5cm bigger in diameter than the right.  It's not a huge side effect other than being vaguely unsightly, especially if I am on my feet all day.

Boots, however, are a problem.  

I can't find boots that fit me, especially dressy kinds.  High boots.  It's kind of disheartening, especially with winter here.  I want to get dressed up, don't want to freeze my little toes off in pumps or sandals.. feel like a jackhole dancing in running shoes (weird I know).. and some days, especially now being lighter than I was, I want to wear some nice, tall, shit-kicking hooker boots.  But if I find one that fits one leg, chances are they won't fit the other leg.

One day, when I am independently wealthy, having married and divorced a number of rich benefactors, or having won the lottery that I never play, or having patented some brilliant invention, I will have a collection of high-boots, custom made for my wonky-assed legs.

One in every color, baby.

Hooker boots up to HERE    ----------------------->


I'm gonna have boots so high, I can go friggin' TROUT FISHING in them.

Hip waders?  I don't need no hip waders. Got my hooker boots, thanks.

"What's that baby?  You want me to keep the boots on?  I'm glad you said that, since it'd probably take me three hours to get them off."

Mine will be the greatest high boots ever known to man.  They shall rule over all other boots, who will quiver in the face of their mighty tallness.

5 comments:

  1. How was your par-tayyy?

    My mom has a similar issue because of a birth defect, but she found this wicked massage therapist who was able to help even out her circulation, and damned if her larger calf hasn't actually shrunk down smaller than the other.

    Crazy but true.

    I guess the ones with elasticized panels at the top still aren't roomy enough? Blows goats.

    I am sure you could find some on ebay!!?? Maybe?

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  2. Party was pretty awesome, more bloggage to be found later today.

    That's a good idea, ebay, or just online in general.

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  3. Every single post you make, makes me think even more we were separated at birth. I also had that blood clot, DVT. Coumadin, those injections in the stomach, a week in the hospital, the whole bit. I have a genetic blood disorder called Factor V Leiden that predisposes me to blood clots.

    I'm sorry you had to go through that. I know how sucky it is. I can't find boots because I have always had large calves. It pisses me off!!!

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  4. That is really bizarre..

    My doctor thinks my clotting is tied in with my colitis issues.. like my body goes into overdrive trying to get it to stop bleeding internally.

    Did you ever have anyone think your spouse was beating you because of all the self-injection bruising? I was in Heparin during my pregnancies, and I bruised TERRIBLY

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    Replies
    1. I had something called ischemic colitis a few years back and it caused a lot of internal bleeding, so it wouldn't surprise me if it was your colitis issues causing you problems. That sucks though. :(

      No. I never had that problem. I was married to my ex-husband then, but I think people that saw me regularly, knew why I had so many bruises. I wasn't able to conceive, but I would have had to do Heparin during pregnancy too. I can only imagine how sucky that was.

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