I woke in a terrible mood this morning.
Actually, that's not entirely true. I woke up in a half-decent mood, having had a fun-filled night of music with an awesome group of people, and a new prospect of some fun people to jam with. The girls had stayed the night at their dad's so I woke to a quiet house and no one I had to worry about getting out the door but myself.
Since it had been about a week since I had done so, I decided to step on the scale and immediately my mood went to SHIT. You see, I've been keeping fairly vigilant over the last week or two and aside from a slip-up with an order of cheese wontons and some toaster strudels, I figured I've done rather well. My scale disagrees, the bastard.
Some people allow themselves a 'cheat day'. I, apparently, cannot have a cheat MEAL without thoroughly fucking up my progress.
You know how sometimes one thing will set off a domino-effect of hating everything in the world and ignite a desire to kick puppies and tell small children that there is no Santa Claus just because why should they live in a world of happy innocence when everything around you so clearly sucks?
Anyway, the immense frustration of making no progress in spite of over a month and a half of effort (and being very good the last three weeks, Wonton day notwithstanding) snowballed into a spiral of loathing and general resentfulness of all the things in my life that are not as I would have them... being consistently broke, not having clothes that fit and refusing to give in to the recent gain and buying new ones, being perpetually single. For the first time in five years I RSVP'd to my staff Xmas party as one, hoping to avoid the yearly conundrum of trying to figure out who I can bribe with a free meal to be my date (I used to be able to bribe with a free meal and an open bar, but after last year's Xmas party, I'm not sure that I wouldn't be lying about that).
I got thinking about people who are no longer in my life, and about hurts that people have inflicted on me in the past and I found myself getting very, very bitter. It was all I had in me not to call in sick and stay home all day, mournfully playing my guitar, feeling sorry for myself and crying the ugly cry.
Yeah, I have one of those. The puffy-eyed, red-faced, scrunched-mouth couldn't-possibly-hide-that-I'd-been-crying-if-my-life-depended-on-it ugly cries. It's kind of like this sketch below, but with less Adele and more Neutral Milk Hotel. And no damn ice cream.
I have nothing against Adele, she's great. I just can't reach the same notes she does.
Anyway, as one does in these days of social media I reached out via the Facebook and posted a (rare I think, anyway) poor-me post in search of support.
And I got it, in droves.
Usually I like to think I have a fairly positive outlook on life, albeit wrapped in a vaguely cynical and sarcastic candy shell. However, I'm not half the pessimist I used to be, and on a good day I can usually count my blessings and run out of toes.
Sometimes, for a moment, when things like the upcoming holiday season, get overwhelming I lose sight of these things and focus on what is wrong.
The wrong stuff still sucks. Being poorish sucks, and so does the loneliness. I have a lot to be happy about as well. I'll get back to that place, at some point. Today was a low day, admittedly, and I'm not entirely over it, but at least I know that when I find myself in a dark place I have people in my life to hold a match for me.