One of my quirks is the ability to relate pretty much any occasion to some kind song lyric. Hell, there are periods of my life that I could compile an entire soundtrack for. I'm kind of at a loss right now though. Yes, it's New Years Eve and I'm being all retrospective. I'm not sure how I feel about the past year.
Without going into too much detail, I have mentioned previously my messed up relationship with New Years Eve. It was a New Years Eve that the ex-hub told me he was unhappy and thinking of leaving. That night we talked in tears for hours and I literally, on the floor on my hands and knees, begged him not to leave. I had never ever lowered myself to that point before and later I swore I never would again. My world crumbled before my eyes. In spite of agreeing to try and work things out, two weeks later he was gone. It's so bizarre years later that I had felt so strongly about someone who now, is just an aspect of my life that I deal with. We share children but at this point in time he's little better than a stranger or an acquaintance to me. That I had felt so destroyed at that time seems almost laughable now. So weird how time changes things.
It was also a New Years Eve that I, after an unfortunate combination of vanilla liquer, Sauvignon Blanc and alcoholic Jello that I very tearfully proclaimed less-than-platonic feelings to a friend of many years, but they were not reciprocated. It was not the classiest of scenes but fortunately there were few witnesses. Mainly he, I and the two friends tasked with the unfortunate job of trying to haul my blubbering drunk ass to the cab. Again, time is a funny funny thing, as a mere two years later I can safely say that we've made our way back to some semblance of our pre-breakdown normalcy. It was rough for a while, for me anyway
There have been some very good years too. Last year was probably the best one I can remember. The live show my friend K and I were supposed to go to was cancelled, so we decided to crash the wedding of a couple we knew who were getting married that night. We showed up after dinner, into the dance portion of the reception, and the bride and groom were very gracious and insisted if we were going to stay, we were to eat lots of food as they weren't taking ANYTHING home. It ended up being a fantastic night of dancing with some of my oldest and dearest friends. So they're not ALL bad.
2010. Oh, what to say about you, 2010.
You've been interesting, that's for sure.
2010 was the year I found out there is such a thing as love at first sight. And although things didn't work out, this was the year I discovered that I was able to really open up and be true with my feelings to someone, even if they didn't entirely share those feelings. And although things are crappy now, there were a lot of good times I will always remember fondly, whether you continue to be part of my life as a friend or not.
2010 was the year I lost my best friend to time, age and changes in personality, values and general outlook. It was probably the hardest thing I went through this year. It was like getting divorced all over again. It's still hard to know that I can't just call her and see how she's doing, it's hard to know that she wants nothing to do with me now for various reasons. It's hard to not just apologize in hopes that I can have my friend back, but any wrong I committed, I've already apologized for. I hope one day we can talk again, but at this point, it's no longer my call. It's not just her, I miss the rest of the family as well, including my (former? how do these things work?) godchildren.
On the other hand, 2010 I forged new friendships with people who I hope to have in my life for a long time, and revisited some old friendships that I had neglected and enjoyed ongoing friendships. I was going to mention a few people, but I really don't want to leave anyone out. When I hit my milestone 30th birthday I was floored by the number of people in my life who came to wish me well.
2010 was the year I reclaimed my name and my status as a totally, officially and legally single woman.
2010 was the year I started doing more music wise, playing at local open mike nights, getting to know the other people who frequented these nights, and even got up the nerve to sign up for the Penetang museum summer concert series. A whole two hours playing by myself. Twas pretty awesome.
2010 brought with it some pretty cool shows I got to see, like Big Sugar, Spoon, and the Schomberg Fair
So yeah, there was good and bad I suppose. There's so much more that happened, but this post is a bit of a novel as it is, and there's no end in sight. Maybe I'm just apprehensive because I really don't know what what to expect with the coming year. I'm bummed out because I'm on my own again this year. I know it's not the be-all end-all, but it sure as shit would be nice to not be by myself when the big ball drops. Yes, I snickered when I said that.
Now we all know that all things cliched and having to do with the New Year include both a retrospective and a resolution for the year to come. Here's a few things that are on my resolution list:
Be Bold (thanks to Cayley T for this one)
Learn to love Loneliness
Risk more, apologize less. In the words of one of my dearest friends - "Laugh till you cry. Dance to your own beat. Eat dessert first. Sing loud.. REALLY loud. And Smile"