Before the Halloween party, trying to find said halloween party.
"You can be 'Guy with Slippers'"
We're at a house with a similar address to the party.
Knock on door. A guy answers. There's beer bottles and a bong in the backround, so it looks like there might be a party there.
Me: "Is this Jade's house?"
Stoned Guy: "Jay's?"
Me: "No, Jades. Jades house."
Stoned Guy: "Jane?"
Stone Guy: "No, I don't think so."
"At least he'll have a good story tomorrow. 'Some chick showed up at my door in a prom dress and blood.'"
"Things you should never title a children's book: 'So you've been molested'"
Tessa: "I remember you having bigger boobs."
Me: "Is that like, a pick-up line?"
"Your face is falling off"
"Touch me, I'm gay."
"If I cock-blocked you by saying 'hi' then dude, you need to step up your game."
Trick or Treating
My friend has just asked for kleenex while her kids trick or treat at her baby-daddy's place. She's given a half-roll of toilet paper.
Me: We should go toilet paper someone's house.
Her: *pause* *giggles*
Me: I know what you're thinking!
Her: We can leave a note saying "Thanks!"
"Hallowe'en is like night-Christmas, but without all the Jesus."
My kid: "No More Oh Henry's please!"
Friend: "Don't be picky!"
Me: Yeah! Candy is candy.. there are starving kids in Africa with no Candy!
Friend's oldest kid: "So? I'm not going to donate my candy."