Saturday, December 23, 2006

Rocking the Cliches.

Time for a Christmas blog, it's about due. So for your reading enjoyment, my top five favorite Christmas movies.

Honorable mention: The Ref starring Denis Leary, Kevin Spacey and Judy Davis
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This movie gets an honorable mention because it's ass-funny, but not quite in my top five, and I couldn't think of enough movies to come up with a top ten.

Denis Leary plays a buglar who takes a family hostage on Christmas, and discovers what a bunch of whackjobs they are, but by then it's too late to back out of the hostage taking. Nice clean family fare. Right.
Caroline: I had this dream...
Lloyd: Do we have to do dreams?
Caroline: I'm in this restaurant, and the waiter brings me my entree. It was a salad. It was Lloyd's head on a plate of spinach with his penis sticking out of his ear. And I said, "I didn't order this." And the waiter said, "Oh you must try it, it's a delicacy. But don't eat the penis, it's just garnish."
Dr. Wong: Lloyd, what do you think about the dream?
Lloyd: I think she should stop telling it at dinner parties to all our friends.


Five - Scrooged Starring Bill Murray, Carol Kane, Bobcat Goldthwaite, Jamie Farr

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One of a gazillion interpretations of Dickens' "A Christmas Carol", this was one of my faves as a kid, although I haven't had the pleasure of seeing it in recent years. Bill Murray plays the lead, an 80's type corporate go-getter television producer and all around jerk. The movie spoofs the various Christmas Carol type movies, including a scene with a Tiny tim that does backflips. Carol Kane is freakishly hilarious as the Ghost of Christmas Past.
All day long I listen to people give me excuses why they can't work. My legs hurt. My back aches. I'm only four.

Four - The Nightmare Before Christmas Directed by Tim Burton

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Watched this for the first time tonight, what a cute movie. I'm thinking it could be a fun christmas eve/eve tradition. The people of halloweentown attempt to take over Christmas. This movie has a fantastic sountrack imo. And kids getting shrunken heads for christmas is always fun.

Three (tie) - The Muppet Christmas Carol and Muppet Family Christmas
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Firstly, another Dickens interpretation, with Michael Caine as Scrooge, Kermit the Frog as Bob Crachit, and Stadtler and Waldorf playing a great Jacob and Robert Marley (did anyone else find that funny? Bob marley?). The second incorporates the muppet show cast, the sesame street cast and fraggle rock in a home christmas. Well worth watching if only to see the swedish chef drool over Big Bird, thinking he's a giant turkey.

Don't think that my love of the muppets biases me in any way here. I saw a Very Merry Muppet Christmas, and frankly wasn't crazy about it. The image of Scooter dancing in a go-go cage still haunts my nightmares, even if it was part of an alternate reality.

Fozziwig: Here is my Christmas speech. "Thank you all, and Merry Christmas."
Jacob Marley: That was the speech?
Robert Marley: It was dumb.
Jacob Marley: It was obvious.
Robert Marley: It was pointless.
Jacob Marley: It was... short.
Robert Marley, Jacob Marley: I loved it.


Doc: How do you do, I'm Doc.
Bert: Did you know that Doc starts with the letter "D?"
Doc: Yes.
Ernie: Yes! Yes starts with the letter "Y"
Doc: True.
Ernie: And true starts with the letter "T"
Doc: What is all this?
Bert: Where we come from, this is small talk.


Two - National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation Starring Chevy Chase, Beverly D'Angelo, Juliette Lewis, Johnny Galecki, Randy Quaid

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Clark Griswold attempts to plan the perfect family christmas. Hilarity Ensues.

Clark: Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

Clark: Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol?

Number one - A Christmas Story Starring Peter Billingsley, Darren McGavin

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Ralphie fights bullies, and dreams of a Red Rider BB Gun for Christmas. Have watched this movie every year since it was made. Can't get enough of it. Got a kick out of seeing Zack Ward, who played the bully on Titus years later.

Narrator: Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually 4 years old, but also a girl.

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium, a master.

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